


Mission From God: The Trilogy

by GeneralDarkPit



Category: Super Smash Brothers
Genre: F/F, F/M, I Don't Even Know, I Tried, I swear to god after how many times I had to type Chick-fil-A I want to destroy one now, Republican Marth fanfiction, Transcribing a trollfic, will update tags as i progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-24
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-09-26 15:52:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 40
Words: 23,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9910064
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeneralDarkPit/pseuds/GeneralDarkPit
Summary: Sara is just your average everyday normal girl — she's modest, Christian, conservative,  and loves to play video games. One day, God beckons Sara to save the vast world of Nintendo. Now with their world at stake, Sara must combat against the forces Satan, liberals and Barack Obama. Prior to her own knowledge, there is much more than she bargained for.The transcribing of PrincessAmerica's Mishonh From God into English. Let's be real here, nothing will ever beat the original. :P





	1. Mission from God

**Author's Note:**

> I can't believe I'm even doing this and what's even more fascinating is that this story came to be when I was only eleven and in fifth grade at the time. A thought came to me one time and I figured why not try to transcribe a majestic trollfic into something at least more fluid so in retrospect, I've chose the Mission From God trilogy. I'm going to confess, as weird as this is going to sound, I love this trollfic. As it is evident with the title, I am most likely going combine all three parts because why the hell not.
> 
> Anyways, the only reason why I'm doing this is because I'm sure some people wanted to glance at how controversial it was however couldn't get past the on purpose spelling, grammatical and sentence structures. I know I'm highly wasting my time doing what's considered a dead horse but hey, I've always wanted to transcribe a actual trollfic into something more legible for the longest time now.
> 
> To explain, unless people have read the TVTropes page and or The Ethical Adventures of Gamergate!, it is obvious that this was a trollfic from the start. The author goes to explain that their trollfics are pretty much a satire of conservatives (her words, not mine).
> 
> Resuming on, I will be transcribing Sara's authors notes as well. Note that when I mean by transcribing, I might change up a few sentences if the original is worded very oddly and add additional words and phrases.
> 
> Disclaimer: Mishonh from God is owned by PrincessAmerica, I'm just transcribing it into English.
> 
> Note: Hi! My name's Sara (not Palin unfortunately) and I'm a thirteen year old girl who loves God, America and the Constitution. Liberal socialists who like Barack Obama can LEAVE NOW and go back to getting welfare for nothing, ruining my beloved country and trying to turn everyone into gay atheists. Also I like video games like Super Smash Bros and otters even though I'm a girl (my mom said I would turn into a lesbian if I play too much video games however, I've put up pictures of Jacob from Twilight and Justin Bieber in my room so I don't).

_CHAP 1: MISSION FROM GOD_

I was inside my science class one day when my liberal teacher Mr. Johnson was talking about evilusion.

"And that's why humans derive from monkeys and there is no God," he said.

I raised my hand.

"Yes Sara," he said.

"If humans came from monkeys, then why are there still monkeys?"

My teacher had no answer for that so in turn, he gave me a detention and an F on my test.

"Hahaha!" he said, "you Christians will be defeated one day! Us atheists already rule this country because of Obamacare and soon all Christians will go to death panels!"

Just then the door to the science room opened and God walked in. He was wearing a robe and had a beard like he always does.

"Mr. Johnson, you're going to HELL!"

"No because you aren't real," Mr. Johnson said.

"Lol, you're a moron," God said and he struck Mr. Johnson with lightning and Mr. Johnson died.

"Yay!" said all of the Christians in the class.

"Boo!" said the heathens so God struck all of them too.

"Okay, now I need to talk to Sara," God said, "so everybody else, leave."

"Okay." My classmates left the room.

"Sara Osborne I've been watching you for some time," he said, "this world isn't the only one I made."

"For real?" I asked.

"Yeah, do you know about video games?"

"Yeah, I play them with my bro and Lauren!" (My bro is my brother and Lauren is my BFF (best friend forever) and she's a PCC (Pretty Conservative Christian) like me too)

"Well, they are real because when you play the other universe I've made."

"Cool God!" I high-fived God.

"Okay, but there's trouble. Satan found out about this and now he's in Nintendo World. Only you can stop him before he does evil stuff there."

"Oh no."

"Right, this is the hardest thing you ever done. Even harder than your math test last month. Good thing I'm God and I can give you cool powers and stuff."

So God gave me some power and I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was outside of the Smash Mansion.


	2. Sara Meets Characters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara goes to the mansion and meets the Smash Brothers characters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, what's a troll? I mean I think I fought some in a game before but they're not in my story so why did you mention them in the review? And what's a Mary Sue? And my mom and dad said I need to spread the truth of God's word on the internet and speak out against the socialists destroying America.
> 
> Also I didn't update yesterday because my family thought that there would be the rapture. Lauren said there wouldn't and she was right so I guess that proves how smart she is.

_Chapter 2: Sara Meets Characters_

The smash mansion is a really big house with like a gazillion rooms and was a lot of stories tall. I was intimidated by how big it was. Suddenly someone came. It was like a robot except a person was in it.

"Hi there pretty girl," the robot person said.

"You think I'm pretty?" I said.

"Yeah, you're the hottest girl I've ever seen."

I thought it was Master Chief from Halo but it wasn't yet I didn't now that so I closed my eyes and made out with the robot person however, when I opened them it's not Master Chief but Samus Aran.

"Hahahahaha! I tricked you into thinking I was a dude but I'm a girl," Samus said.

Why did you do this?! I like guys, not girls! I'm a Christian!" I shouted

"BECAUSE I'M A LESBIAN!" Samus said, "and I'm an atheist so I want you to go to hell for being gay like me."

Then Samus tried to rape me. She took off my shirt — I had a bra under so I wasn't topless — and my pants which had panties under it so I still wasn't naked.

"No, help!" I screamed. Luckily Link, Marth, and Ike were nearby so they got their horses and galloped their way and came before it was too late.

"Stop being a gay liberal Samus," Ike said.

"Yeah! We're men and you're a woman so listen to us," Link said.

"But I'm a lesbian and I'm a feminist so I'm not going to listen to you," Samus said. She took off my shoes next. They were fancy high heels from Giuseppe Zanotti that cost my mom two-thousand. But then Marth grabbed Samus with his hercule arms and threw her in the moat off the mansion.

"Are you okay?" he asked. He kissed my hand romantically.

"Y-yeah. Sorry I made you do that."

"It's okay. Samus is a liberal so she had it coming," Marth said. I looked into his eyes. He was like if the looks of Jacob and Justin Bieber were combined with the genes of Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh except he had blue hair. My hair was long, blonde, and really pretty.

"You hate liberals too!?" I asked.

"Yeah! Link, Ike and I are all born again Christians," Marth said.

"Cool! Can I meet everyone else?" I said.

"Okay."

So I climbed on Marth's horse and road to the mansion and went inside. In the mansion I met other Christians like Peach, Zelda, Toon Link, Pit, Ness, Lucas, Kirby, King Dedede, the Mario brothers (Mario and Luigi), Sonic, Solid Snake who was Marth's father — I don't think he was Marth's father in the game but wouldn't it be cool if he was — Cloud Strife and the real Master Chief — those two weren't in Smash Bros for some reasons but they're in this. However, there were also liberals like Bowser, Ganondorf, Wario, Donkey and Diddy Kong, Meta Knight, Pikachu, Pokemon Trainer and his Pokemon, Wolf, Fox McCloud, Falco Lombardi, and Captain Falcon — who was Samus' boyfriend before they both turned gay from a government vaccine. I knew I had my work cut out for me.


	3. Her Final Smash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara's first battle of her Smash career WITH AN UNEXPECTED TWIST!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stop attacking my story! God will judge you when you die and if you insult Christians, then he will send you to Hell! And thanks to the people who said nice things. I know you will go to Heaven. Also I know that Samus is a lesbian because when I first played, I only saw her armor so I thought she was a hot guy but then I used her final smash and found out she was a girl. I had to stare at my pics of Justin Bieber and Jacob four even longer than I usually do when Lauren comes over to keep me straight.

CHAP 3: HER FINAL SMASH

The next day, I was in my first match of my career. It was Zelda and I fighting Bowser and Falco. We were on the red team because we're conservatives and they were the blue team because they were liberals. I was wearing a pretty red dress that everyone except the liberals complimented me on. Bowser kept breathing fire at us and Falco shot lasers from his gun. Zelda turned into Sheik and threw needles at Bowser and hit him with a chain. Soon Bowser was defeated. Then Falco got a smash ball and summoned a giant tank called a Landmaster and shot Zelda, causing her to fly off the battlefield and lose. I thought I was done for but then I heard God's voice.

"Sara! Remember the powers I gave you at school." I used one of the powers that God gave me and I instantly had my final smash. I activated it, causing me to turn into an angel. I used my holy powers to strike down the Landmaster and defeated Falco.

"This game's winner is ... red team!" the narrator said.

When I left the fight, Marth was waiting for me.

"Oh my god! That was amazing! I have never seen someone us a final smash without a smash ball before!" he said.

"It's because of the powers God gave me."

"Cool. Now my father and I are fighting against Samus and Wario."

"Great! I'll watch," I said.

So the next fight began and Marth and Snake were on the red team meanwhile Samus and Wario were on the blue team. Samus saw I was watching so she tried so seduce me with her luscious lips and huge breats but I was straight so it didn't work. Marth hit her with his sword while she was distracted and his dad threw grenades at her. She got blown up and lost a stock. 

"Samus! Get your head in the game! President Barack Obama would want us to kill all Christians," Wario said.

"Right," Samus said. She attacked Marth and Snake.

Soon everybody only had one stock left. Wario ran towards Snake and hit him with his motorcycle, causing him to fly off and explode.

"Father! NO!" Marth said. He ran at Wario with his sword.

"Eat them!" Samus said.

"I can't! I'm a liberal vegan now so I can only eat vegetables," Wario said. Soon Wario lost as it was now a one-on-one battle between Samus and Marth.

"Give it up Samus! You know liberals can't win."

"Never! BY THE POWER OF LORD SATAN I SHALL BANISH YOU TO THE SUBSPACE WORLD!"

Then a portal opened and sucked Marth into subspace. The fight was over — the liberals had won.

"What did you do to my son!" Snake said when the match was over and Marth didn't return.

"I'll never tell!" Samus said. She blew a kiss at me which I dodged and walked away.

I was worried about Marth when he didn't come back. He still wasn't back for the tea party relay so I went with Cloud Strife instead. When I went to sleep at night, I prayed for Marth. Then I locked the doors and windows so Samus couldn't rape me while I slept.

That night I had horrible nightmares that Marth was forced to have gay sex with Satan and Barack Obama. It was the scariest thing ever!


	4. The Search for Marth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara goes to Subspace to find Marth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas Eve everybody! I hope the people who said good things about my story get what they want and those who said bad things do not. Hopefully I can finish another chapter tomorrow but its Christmas (NOT HAPPY HOLIDAYS LIBERALS) and I have stuff with my family. Then I'll spend the night at Lauren's house were we can change into our new clothes for each other (I can't wait. I'm sure she'll be really pretty).

CHAP 4: THE SEARCH FOR MARTH

The next day, all of the Christians in the mansion were looking for Marth. He still wasn't back from where Samus placed him. I prayed and prayed that we will find him but he was nowhere near the mansion. I knew I had to confront Samus about his whereabouts but I knew she would try to rape me again if I came along, so I brought Cloud, Sonic, and Mario with me. Samus was in bed with four other women and they were making out and doing it with one another.

"Disgusting!" Mario vomited.

"Stop it Samus!" Sonic said.

"Girls shouldn't do that to other girls!" Cloud said.

"Sara! You must join us and be gay! Samus and the other lesbians said.

"No! I'm ten trillion percent straight!" I shouted.

"Okay, then we'll gang-rape you into being gay!" Samus and the other lesbians got out of bed. Cloud pulled out his giant sword and smacked a lesbian with it. She flew out of the window, then Mario shot fireballs at another lesbian and she caught on fire. Sonic rolled into a ball to defeat another one and I used my unbeatable martial arts on the other one. Samus was now by herself.

"Tell us where Marth is!" I smacked her.

"No!" Samus said. I started striking her with lightning from my fingers like in Star Wars because one of the powers Gad gave me was to be a Jedi with the force.

"Tell us now!"

"NEVER!" Samus said.

"Stop Sara, you're too powerful! If you keep attacking Samus, she'll die and then we'll never find Marth!" Sonic said. I knew he had a point so I stopped using lightning on Samus. We had to find someone else who could help us find Marth. I prayed that God would show me where Marth was.

"Sara! Marth is in Subspace!" I hear God say.

"Thanks God!" I said back.

"Where is Marth" Mario said.

"He's in Subspace!" I said.

"Oh no! How did you know!?" Samus said. Cloud hit her with his sword to knock her unconscious.

"Not Subspace! That place is terrifying!" Cloud said.

"But we have to! Marth's in trouble!" I said.

"We'll need more people! Snake will want to come to save his son and Link and Ike are Marth's best pals. Zelda and Peach should come too along with Kirby, my brother Luigi and Pit because he's an angel," Mario said. So we gathered up everyone and went to Subspace to find Marth.

In Subspace, we were instantly attacked by Subspace stuff but we beat them. Then we found Master Hand and Crazy Hand.

"What are you doing here?!" Master Hand said.

"We've come here to find Marth," I said.

"No Sara, you will die!" Crazy Hand said. He tried to punch me but I pulled out my dad's shotgun — its one of my special moves now that I'm a smasher — and shot him until he died. Then I proceeded to do the same to Master Hand.

"Well done but Marth is still mine!" Tabuu, the leader of Subspace came.

"I'LL KILL YOU!" I said. I tried to shoot him but he took my gun away before I even could.

"Ha! You should know I'm a liberal so I always take the guns away! He said. Tabuu was right, I should have known that. I tried my lightning but he blocked it, then I tried all of my other attacks.

"How are you doing this!?" I asked. "My powers come from GOD!"

"Yes while mine comes from Satan."

"But Satan is weaker than God!"

"Yes but I'm also the antichrist."

"How are you really?" I said.

"So Tabuu removed his masked, revealing that he was a black guy however, he was wearing a suit not game clothes so I knew he could only be President Barack Obama!"


	5. Sara Versus Obama

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara fails to save Marth because she's not a Mary Sue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STOP WRITING BAD THINGS ABOUT MY STORY! If y'all don't I'll tell Lauren to beat you up. She runs cross country and plays basketball so she's in real good shape (but she doesn't try to look manly or anything because she's not a lesbian and neither am I. We wear makeup, nice clothes and put a lot of time in our hair). Also my brother is a senior linebacker on the high school football team so he could beat y'all up even easier. Merry CHRISTmas (NOT HAPPY HOLIDAY) to the good people who wrote good reviews! (I'm up early because I'm so excited. I know I'll get good stuff this year)

CHAP 5: SARA VERSUS OBAMA

I stood in front of Obama, ready to fight. He kept talking about how he was the greatest evil to ever live and how he would give my soul to Satan. I knew I couldn't beat him in my current state, so I activated my final smash.

"Impossible! No one can use their final smash without a smash ball!" Barack Obama said. Now I was more powerful than him and I quickly won.

"Ha! You're already too late!" he laughed evilly and flew away, "I hid Marth somewhere in the Great Maze though."

"I'm too late, what does that mean?" I said.

"I don't know! Let's find Marth," Link said.

So we all went into the Maze to find Marth. We searched all over and fought our best against the bad people there but Marth was nowhere to be seen! We were about to give up when we heard the sound of a musical coming from one of the doors we haven't scavenged yet. We opened the door and saw that Marth was inside with Captain Falcon and a bunch of other gay guys. He was dressed like a drag queen, caught sight of us and skipped over.

"Ew dad, those are last months shoes," he said to Snake. Snake was wearing last month's shoes but Marth shouldn't know that. He also talked with a high-pitched voice with a lisp instead of his normal, deep manly voice. Captain Falcon skipped his way over to us as well.

"This is my boyfriend Captain Falcon," Marth said. Then I immediately realized what happened — Marth turned gay!

"NO, NOT MY SON!" Snake cried.

"Now we're going to rape you and make y'all gay too silly," Captain Falcon said. Then Marth, Captain Falcon and all of the other gays in the room skipped towards us. I knew they couldn't make me gay because only getting raped by lesbians turned girls gay but it was still scary.

Snake got out his rocket launcher and shot rockets at the gays, blowing a bunch of them up in the process however there were too many of them. Cloud used a limit break to get rid of more gays. Zelda shot fireballs and used the diamond shield thing before turning into Sheik and using kung fu and ninja stuff. Link threw his boomerang and Ike used his sword to hold back the gays. Mario and Luigi jumped on the gays' heads to kill them. Peach threw turnips meanwhile Kirby smacked them with his hammer. Sonic used super speed ball on them and since Pit is an angel, he sent gays directly to hell using the power of God. Despite all of this, there were too many gays in the room so we had to retreat. Everyone ran out of the door except Solid Snake.

"Come on Snake!" I shout.

"No! Y'all leave, I'll hold them off! They already got my son, I have nothing to live for!" Snake fire rockets into the gays like a madman while everyone else ran out of the great maze. Soon more gays, lesbians and other liberals started pouring out of the other doors. We were trapped!

"Oh no," I said. I thought I would be raped into a lesbian. Then I'd have to kiss girls, stop wearing makeup and start wearing flannel and I'd only shop at Home Depot instead of good stores. But then Master Hand and Crazy Hand flew out of the sky.

"Hurry! We'll carry you to safety!" Master Hand said. I knew that God sent them to save us from the gay liberals. They took us back to the mansion. I was going to find Samus and beat her up for sending Marth to Subspace where he turned gay, but she wasn't at the mansion — she was shopping at Home Depot because she's a lesbian.

Since Marth was gay now, I went on a date with Link instead. We ate at Chick-fil-A (Ha! Take that gays!) and then saw a movie.


	6. The Concert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Master Hand throws a concert and Sara has to foil Samus' evil plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I found out that Lauren's sister in college voted for some guy named Gary Johnson (wonder if he's related to Mr. Johnson) instead of Mitt Romney in the election. That made me really upset but Lauren said it was okay because Romney still won South Carolina (where I live) and I guess she's right. Lauren looked really pretty in her new Christmas clothes and she said I did too and I'm glad I got to spend the night at her house. Also, y'all need to stop saying bad things about my story, liberals! Also, I'm not a slut I'm a CHRISTIAN!!!

CHAP 6: THE CONCERT

The next day, all of the conservatives were sad that Marth and Snake were gay liberals now — Snake even changed his name from Solid Snake to Solid Snake. Master Hand saw this so he scheduled a huge concert for us. He called lots of really great people like Brad Paisley, Toby Keith, Carrie Underwood, Hank Williams Junior, Ted Nugent, Justin Bieber, One Direction and a bunch of other people. And best of all, he got TAYLOR SWIFT to come. Taylor Swift is my favorite music artist and I really like her a lot BUT NOT IN THAT WAY BECAUSE I'M NOT A LESBIAN — just as a friend. I was going to wear my best red dress for the concert. I had my hair done up nice and put on some red lipstick, some eyeliner, and eye shadow. Then I put on my best high heels.

I walked through the mansion but then I saw Samus but Lyn was there to protect me so she didn't rape me. She walked the other way however, dropped a notebook. I picked it up and read the cover. It said "SECRET PLAN TO MAKE TAYLOR SWIFT MY LESBIAN LOVER." That frightened me a lot because Taylor Swift is my favorite musician and if she was turned into a lesbian, then she'd write songs with secret backwards messages that turn people gay — my parents said that heavy metal music already does something like this to turn people into Satanists. I red the plan and knew I had to stop it. So I called Taylor Swift because I have her private number. 

"Hi Sara," she said, "I'm looking forward to seeing you at my concert."

"SAMUS IS GOING TO RAPE YOU AND TURN YOU INTO A LESBIAN!!!!" I screamed into the phone.

"Oh no!" she said, "I need more bodyguards!"

So she hung up the phone she can hire some bodyguards prior to the concert. Later on, I went to the concert with Link and listened to the music. I saw that Taylor Swift had more bodyguards now including Ridley from Samus' game. She was the highlight of the concert so she was on last. She was in the middle of singing "Love Story" — Lauren and I's favorite song of hers. We listen to it together all the time. I know I'll find a guy to listen to it with someday.

“Romeo, save me, I've been feeling so alone.  
I keep waiting for you but you never come.  
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think.  
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said...” Taylor Swift sang.

Suddenly Samus stood up.

"I'M GOING TO RAPE YOU TAYLOR SWIFT!!!" she began running towards the stage. Lots of bodyguards tried to stop her but a bunch of gay guys including Marth, Snake and Captain Falcon roped them up to turn them gay. Luckily Ridley could fly so he grabbed Taylor Swift and carried her out of Samus' clutches.

When Samus got to the stage, Ted Nugent grabbed his assault rifle and shot her like a billion times. While she was distracted by that, Toby Keith snuck up behind her and shoved a bullet up her ass — sorry for swearing. I prayed for forgiveness from God for typing that — like my favorite song of his. Then the other musicians ran over and beat Samus with their instruments until she was unconscious. Then the police came and threw her in prison — unfortunately they took her to a women's prison so she couldn't be raped because she's already a lesbian. Once all of the gays were scared off, Ridley came back with Taylor Swift and she finished her concert. 

After it was done, all of the musicians gave autographs to me and the other smashers. Taylor Swift gave me the biggest, best autograph of all time because I warned her about Samus.

"You're my best friend," Taylor Swift said — of course Lauren is my BFF but I didn't want to hurt Taylor's feelings by telling her that.

When the concert was over and the musicians left, I went on another date with Link.


	7. Football Game

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara isn't a Mary Sue because her friend Lauren is even better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I looked up what a Mary Sue was and I think this chapter will prove that Sara isn't one, so all of you liberals will have to make up more ways to ignore the TRUTH in my story.

_CHAP 7: FOOTBALL GAME_

The next day, Link woke me up and tole me that the New York Mets were playing against the Hyrule Football team that day.

"The New York Mets?!?!" I said. They were my favorite football team even though I live in South Carolina because they have Tim Tebow playing for them and he's really awesome -- not to mention he's also a Christian. I used to like the Denver Broncos because they had Tebow but then they got rid of him probably because their coach is a gay liberal socialist or something.

“And I have some tickets," Link said.

“Yay! We need to go," I said.

“Absolutely not!" Master Hand said, flying down the hall.

“Why not," I said.

“Because we need to fight matches today and also I'm British so I think soccer is football because King George the Third was an America-hating communist who hated America and the name soccer football in England so that real football can't be in Britishland."

I stormed off because Master Hand was being such a jerk!!! He ran after me.

"But there's something else today! Since Samus is in prison now, we needed another smasher to replace her." Just then Crazy Hand flew up and with him was LAUREN!!!

“Hey gurl!” Lauren said. We hugged each other.

“Hey,” I said.

"She'll be staying in your room because Samus has lots of lesbian sex on her bed, so she probably doesn't want to sleep there," Crazy Hand said.

“Yay! We're roomies!" I cheered.

“Now you two are to team up for your first match today," Master Hand said, "You will fight Marth and Captain Falcon. Go to the stadium now."

I was said that I had to fight Marth even though I was dating Link. I still had feelings for Marth. I told Lauren about this.

"It's okay, I'm here." She hugged me again and I felt better.

We went to the match against Marth and Captain Falcon. When we got to the stage, they were having gay sex on it. I threw up and along with Lauren and all of the other Christians watching. Then the fight began!

"Ew! Your fashion sense is like, so bad," Marth said.

"Liar!" I said. Both Lauren and I always had the best clothes ever. Marth tried to hit Lauren with his sword but she dodged it. Even though Lauren did not have powers from God, neither Marth or Captain Falcon were fast enough to hit her. I didn't even have to use my powers in the fight. Lauren was that good on her own that I barely even had to do anything. She basically won the fight by herself (AN: See, Sara can't be a Mary Sue if there's someone better than her).

"This game's winner is... Red team!" the narrator said.

Lauren and I hugged again when we won. After a few more fights — which we also won — we were done for the day. After we finished, we went to our room and Lauren's stuff was already there. We missed the football game but we saw that the Mets have won and Tom Tebow scored a bunch of points. I called him to congratulate him — I have his private phone number — and then Lauren and I went to sleep. We slept in the only but but NOT IN A LESBIAN WAY! WE SLEEP IN THE SAME BED ALL THE TIME BUT WE'RE STRAIGHT! WE WEAR NICE CLOTHES, MAKE UP, PUT EFFORT INTO OUR HAIR AND DON'T TRY TO LOOK MANLY!!!

The next day Lauren started dating Ike and they went on a double date with Link and I. We went to Chick-fil-A again because they oppose the gay agenda.


	8. Samus Breaks out of Prison

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Samus breaks out of prison and there's a huge twist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I looked up the definition of a "troll" and I just have to say that it's typical liberal behavior to just call me a troll because y'all don't want to accept that everything I say is true and you liberals are wrong and against God himself. Y'all refuse to accept that anyone has a different opinion from you because if you do that then you have to accept that your opinion is wrong. YOU ARE HYPOCRITES!

CHAP 8: SAMUS BREAKS OUT OF PRISON

Lauren and I had lots of fun and won a lot of matches over the next week. Having her in the mansion was the best thing ever! We also went on ton of double dates with our boyfriends Link and Ike. One day I was by myself though and walking around the mansion. I had the day off because Lauren was teaming up with Ike and Link and had a one-on-one match against Ganondorf. I was walking past a bunch of doors and whatnot, then Zelda trotted towards me.

"Hi Sara," she said. She was staring at my shirt. I was wearing a pink tank top that started out black but then I took out a lot of glitter and spelled "Obama sucks" on it.

"Like my shirt?" I said.

"Yes! That's why I was looking there," Zelda said glancing back at my face. "Let's go to my room!"

"Okay," I said. I followed Zelda to her room. When we went inside, the room was dark and I heard the door slam behind me.

"Hi there pretty girl!" I recognized the voice immediately. It was SAMUS ARAN!!! But she was supposed to be in prison.

"But your'e supposed to be in prison!" I said.

"I broke out," she said. It was my worst fear. I knew she would eventually be pardoned by Barack Obama but I hoped the Washington Bureaucracy would delay her pardon long  enough for a Replubican to be elected or Obama to be impeached. I didn't expect for Samus to break out. 

"Zelda, we need to run." However Zelda was blocking the door. "What's going on!?"

"You didn't figure it out yet?" Zelda said. She ran over and started to rip off my clothes before kissing me.

"Oh no, you're a lesbian now!" I said, pulling away. However Samus grabbed me from behind and started rubbing my butt.

"Yes I am sexy Sara." Zelda touched my breast.

"I turned her into my lover when I returned from prison," Samus whispered into my ear.

"And soon you'll be a lesbian too," Zelda whispered into my other ear.

"No, please no!" I said. "I don't want to be a lesbian. I'm a Christian!!! Somebody help!"

"No one can hear you. We made sure everyone else was in the stadium," Samus said.

"God can hear me," I said.

"Ha! I'm a atheist liberal now! I don't believe in God anymore!" Zelda said.

"Yes! Now we both worship Satan!" Samus said.

"Just because you don't believe in him doesn't mean he's not real," I said.

"Well I used my magic combined with the power of Satan and Barack Obama to seal the door to this room," Zelda said. "Like it or not, you'll be a lesbian soon!"

I ran into the corner of Zelda's room.

"Stay back!" I said, preparing for a fight.

"Being a lesbian isn't something to be afraid of Sara," Zelda said. "I'm happy now that Samus and I are dating."

"It doesn't matter how happy you are. It's an abomination!" I said. "God hates you for it!"

"Believe me you'll be happy to when you become one of us," Samus said.

"Maybe you can turn Lauren into a lesbian, then you can date each other," Zelda said.

"No! I'd never do that to my best friend!" I said. "She may be the prettiest girl ever but we need to go to heaven, not hell. WE'RE CHRISTIANS NOT LESBIANS!!!"

"Not for long," Samus and Zelda said in unison.

As the two lesbians approached me, I was more scared than I'd ever been in my life. All I could do was pray and pray that someone would come to my rescue. Did I make it out safely or did Samus and Zelda turn me into a lesbian atheist liberal? Find out in the next chapter!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't transcribed one of these in a while so I felt like taking a break from Breath of the Wild to go ahead and tackle another chapter of Mishonh From God.
> 
> Have to admit, this entire fic is just one gigantic shitpost.


	9. Sara Escapes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara escapes from becoming a lesbian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So you liberals keep calling me a troll? I ain't a troll!!! I'M A CHRISTIAN!!! As always, thank all y'all who wrote good reviews! You are good Christians and I pray that good things happen to you every night.

CHAP 9: SARA ESCAPES

So I was cowering in the corner of Zelda's room, praying and praying to God to save me from becoming a lesbian.  
  
"SNAP OUT OF THIS ZELDA!!! YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN! REMEMBER WHEN WE FOUGHT BOWSER AND FALCON AND LATER YOU TEAMED UP WITH ME TO TRY TO SAVE MARTH EVEN THOUGH IT DIDN'T WORK?" I said.

"Yes, you were really sexy in your red dress that day Sara," Zelda said. "You make me want to rape you even more!!!"

"No, go away!!!" I said but Zelda and Samus kept slowly inching towards me, looking as seductive as possible. All I could do was pray, pray and pray. Then I had an idea.

"So Zelda? Am I prettier than Samus?" I said.

"OF COURSE NOT!!!: Zelda said.

"Damn right she ain't!" Samus could swear because she's a lesbian and going to hell anyways.

Then Samus and Zelda lustfully looked in each others eyes and pressed their luscious lips together. Before long they were caressing each other's subtle breasts. It was a disgusting abomination but at least they weren't doing it to me. Eventually they forgot I was even there, so I snuck my  way towards the door but it was still sealed!!! I tried to kick the door open and scream for help however, it was a really strong seal and soundproof. So I went back into the corner, curled up in a fetal position and prayed some more.

I was about to give up hope when the door broke down. It was LAUREN, LINK AND IKE!!!

"God gave us a message so we came!" Lauren said I ran over to Lauren, clutched onto her and cried.

"They were going to turn me into a lesbian!" I said.

"It's okay, I'm here." Lauren rubbed my hair as a friend.

“Zelda! Why are you a lesbian now?" Link was clearly very sad about this.

"Because I raped her," Samus said.

“Than you will die!" He drew out his sword.

"No Link, when gays and lesbians have sex they charge up with the power of Satan and Barack Obama! They are too powerful right now!" Ike said.

Samus and Zelda got out of Zelda's bed and ran at us. Luckily Lauren brought a cross which she held up so that the lesbians hissed and backed away so we four Christians could escape.

Later on, we went on another double date at Chick-fil-A. Link was sad that his friend Zelda was an evil lesbian now so we all cheered him up by going to the movie he wanted to see afterwards.

The next day, Link and I were walking down the hall when Zelda blocked our path. She had her hair cute very short and wasn't wearing make up anymore. Instead, she was wearing a plaid flannel shirt and pants instead of a dress.  
  
"DON'T RAPE ME ZELDA!!!" I said.

"I'm not here for you this time Sexy Sara," Zelda said.

"Then why are you here?" I said.

“Link as you know, I'm the princess of Hyrule so I made a new law," said said. "STRAIGHTNESS IS NOW ILLEGAL!!! YOU WILL HAVE TO MARRY GANONDORF OR GO TO PRISON!!!"

I gasped! How would LInk and I find our way out of this one!


	10. Link Renounces his Citizenship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Link renounces his citizenship of Hyrule to escape marrying Ganondorf.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who gave good reviews and all of the atheist liberals who say bad things need to stop doing that. I'm really excited again because Lauren is coming to my house for new years. It's always really fun when I'm with her and I feel really good. She is my BFF forever and I adore her with every fiber of my bone.

CHAP 10: LINK RENOUNCES HIS CITIZENSHIP

"NO I WILL NOT MARRY GANONDORF!!!" Link said.  
  
"Then you will go to prison!" Zelda said. " The wedding's tomorrow so be there. I need to go to Home Depot with my girlfriend Samus now though, so I'm leaving."

Zelda blew a kiss at me and then she laughed evilly before departing.

"What should we do!?" I said.

"Well I'm not going to marry Ganondorf!" Link said. "I love you so much and I'm not gay and neither are you."

"Right." I knew Link wasn't gay, furthermore I knew I wasn't a lesbian. If any y'all think I'm a lesbian then I should let you know I'm one-hundred percent not and neither is Lauren.

Since I was already thinking about Lauren I knew we should ask her what to do now.

"Why doesn't link just renounce his Hyrule citizenship," Lauren said when we found her.  
  
“Good idea," I said.

“It hurts me to do this because I'm supposed to be the protector of Hyrule," Link said, "but nothing can protect them from God's devil wrath now that there's so much gayness there."

“Okay so that settles that," I said, "but we need to do something about all these gays and lesbians in the mansion."

“I know, we can repeal them with a kiss but that's only a temporary solution because if any of the Christians are caught with their guard down, they'll be raped into more gays and lesbians," Lauren said.

“I wish making people straight Christian was that easy!" I said.

“If it was easy, God wouldn't have to send you," Link said. 

We gathered a meeting of all of the remaining Christian conservatives in the mansion. Everybody got a bunch of more crosses, then we all made sure to lock our doors and windows at night so no one could break in and rape us while we sleep — that's when Samus got Zelda. She went to bed a straight, Christian conservative and woke up as an lesbian atheist liberal. We knew we have to prepare for whatever Satan and Obama have planned. It was probably something very evil.

When Zelda and Samus got back from the mansion, we told her that Link was renouncing his citizenship.

"I expected this," Zelda said, "so I wrote up another marriage certificate. Now Toon Link must marry Ganondorf."

“NO HE'S MY BROTHER!!!" Link said.

“It's too late. He's not old enough to renounce his citizenship and I declared myself as his legal guardian so I won't do it for him. The wedding is tomorrow and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

Zelda blew me a kiss and walked away.

"We need to stop this wedding!" I said.  
  
"I know!" Link said.

We gathered the Christians together to think up a plan.


	11. The Wedding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara stops the wedding of Toon Link and Ganondorf

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why does everyone think I'm a lesbian? How many times do I have to say I'm not a lesbian I'M A CHRISTIAN!!! Lauren and I are just friends and nothing has EVER happened like that. Lauren is a pretty girl but I don't like girls that way and neither does she. I had to take a break from writing because I was so hurt by you accusations.

CHAP 11: THE WEDDING

The next day was the wedding between Toon Link and Ganondorf. It was in the Temple of Time in Hyrule. All of the Christians were there because Toon Link needed moral support. Also we were going to stop the wedding. Ganondorf was already gay so he was wearing a wedding dress with a white veil and Bowser was walking him down the isle. Ton Link was wearing a tuxedo. There was an atheist pastor waiting at the alter. I wore a nice dress but not my best one because I didn't approve of the wedding. Lauren looked really pretty but I didn't want to kiss her because I'm not a lesbian.  
  
When Ganondorf reached the alter, the atheist pastor began talking.

"We are gathered here today to john these two in UNHOLY matrimony. If anyone objects to this opinion, speak now or forever hold your peace," the atheist pastor said.

I pulled out my dad's shotgun and shot the atheist pastor. He died immediately.

"No! You're foiling my plan!" Zelda said.

Suddenly everyone pulled out their weapons and Link ran over, snatching his brother away from Ganondorf. All the normal people were ejected out of the Temple of Time while the Christian smashers including Lauren and I stayed to fight the liberals.

It was the greatest battle I ever fought in. Lauren and I killed like a lot of gays and lesbians that began pouring in when we stopped the wedding. Link was fighting Ganondorf.

"How dare you stop my wedding Link!" Ganondorf said. He punched Link repeatedly, then he kicked him with his high heels. I knew I had to save my boyfriend. I shot Ganondorf with my dad's shotgun but it didn't kill him because he has like magic powers and stuff. It got his attention though and he ran over to me, trying to fight me. I used my super strength to throw him to a wall and then shot him again even though it still didn't do anything. It was fun though.

"You insolent FOOL!!!" Ganondorf said. He ripped off his wedding dress and there was his armor underneath. He flew up into the air and fired a magic blast at me like in the game Ocarina of Time. I deflected it back at him, striking him as he fell down. Then Lauren ran over and knocked him unconscious. I looked around and saw that all of the other liberals were unconscious too. Our plan worked! We couldn't call the police to arrest the liberals because we were in Hyrule and Zelda was the ruler as she was a lesbian now, so we just had to leave. First we returned to the mansion and made sure Toon Link was okay. Once we did that, Lauren and I went on a double date to Chick-Fil-A with our boyfriends. We told everything there about the gay wedding we stopped and there were high fives all around.


	12. The Four Horsemens

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Satan and Barack Obama summon the four worst historical communists.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why exactly does everybody think that Lauren and I are lesbians? I've said like a thousand times that we aren't. We've never had sex! We both wear make up, put effort into our hair, don't try to look manly, are really pretty and the one time my dad took me to Home Depot, I thought it was boring and hated it there!!! Lauren had to comfort me (NOT WITH LESBIAN SEX!!!_ when I told her your lies about us! STOP LYING Y'ALL!!!

CHAP 12: THE FOUR HORSEMENS

It was a few days after the wedding and everyone was still scarred from the experience. Lauren and I were walking down the hall, hand and hand with OUR BOYFRIENDS LINK AND IKE. When we went passed one room, we heard voices coming from inside. I opened the door and saw some TV screens that were all showing the same thing. In Subspace World, Barack Obama was talking to SATAN HIMSELF!!!  
  
"Zelda's attempt to marry Toon Link to Ganondorf failed!" Satan said.

"I know! I wasn't my fault! It was George W. Bush's fault (because Obama always blames Bush for his failures)," Barack Obama said.

"It's time we summoned our ultimate weapons! The four worst communists in all of history! The four horsemens of the apocalypse just like in the Bible!" Satan said.

Satan opened a portal and the four most terrible communists in all of history came out, one at a time. The first communist was Adolf Hitler. He was the president of Germany during one of those world war things. He was a left-wing extremist who killed conservatives in concentration camps. When America defeated him, he changed the name of Germany to the Soviet Union and fought us again in the Cold War.

The next communist came out doing the Gangnam Style dance. He was Mao Zedong. Zedong Mao was the president of Asia for awhile. First he bombed Pearl Harbor so we nuked him, then he changed his name to Charlie for some reason and fought my grandpa in Vietnam. When he did, this lesbian daughter Kim Jong Il took over as president but then she died too, recently I think.

The next communist was King George the Third. Like I said earlier, he was the reason that soccer is called football in Britishland so that real football doesn't get played there. Also he was the king of Britain two thousand years ago when Jesus and George Washington teamed up to find America. King George crucified Jesus but then George Washington killed him to make America free and became the first president.

The last communist who was summoned, I knew very well. It was MR. JOHNSON!!! Mr. Johnson is my science teacher and he's an atheist who tries to shove evilusion down our throats. Also he's giving Becky a better grade in the class probably because she's an atheist too and a lesbian (she said she's a feminist which is the same thing). He's the worst teacher ever.

"Guttentag ("Hello" in German) Lord Satan!" Hitler said.

“Ni Hao (“Hello” in Chinese) Lord Satan!” Mao Zedong said.  
  
"Ello gov'nah. Bloody hell, you wanker! (that's how they talk in Britishland)," King George said.

"Hello my master Lord Saran!" Mr. Johnson said.

I knew that all of us Christians were in serious trouble if we had to fight these four communists. I returned to my room to pray to God that I could defeat them when they showed up.


	13. THERE IS NO CHAP 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rush Limbaugh tells everyone what the four horsemen are doing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of you liberals are getting upset about the TRUTH in my story. Y'all say y'all will do bad things to me if I post chapter thirteen? Well, fine. THERE IS NO CHAPTER THIRTEEN!!!   
> Also my CHRISTmas break is over now so I'm back in school. That means I'm in Mr. Johnson's class again and he already said that Becky was right about something when she raised her hand and answered a question (She said that humans were in the primate order. OF COURSE MR JOHNSON WOULD THINK THAT'S RIGHT) but said I was wrong when I answered a different question (I said that sea sponges are plants but Mr. Johnson said they were animals. I mean he even brought a dead one into class to show us and it CLEARLY wasn't an animal) later. LIBERAL BIAS!!!

CHAP 14: THERE IS NO CHAP 13

  
I was scared about the four horsemen coming to get me while I slept. Lauren and I had to take turns being awake so no one could sneak upon us. Lauren was really pretty when she slept but I didn't kiss her on the lips because this is what lesbians do and I'm not a lesbian. Also no one sneaked up on us that night.  
  
The next day I was listening to Rush Limbaugh on the radio with Lauren, Link and Ike, realizing what the four horsemen were doing last night.

"Today someone rigged the election in Germany so that Adolf Hitler is now their president again. They also rigged it in China so that Mao Zedong is now president of Asia again too. And they also got King George the Third elected King of Britainland again by letting Micky Mouse vote. Also Mr. Johnson is now the principal of my friend Sara's school in South Carolina because Obama promoted him. He also fired all of the good Christian teachers and replaced them with other atheists like Charles Darwin, Richard Dawkins, Lenin, Karl Marx and his brothers," Rush Limbaugh said.

"Oh no!" I said. Not only was Barack Obama the dictator of America and Zelda was the ruler of Hyrule but now Germany, Asia, Britain and my school were also ran by evil people. I was afraid that eventually the entire world would be ran by communism.

"We should tell the other Christians in the mansion," Link said.

"No they must of already listened to Rush explain about it," Lauren said. I knew she was right.

"But we need to do something," Ike said.

"I know," I said, "but we can't do anything right now because we're all the way in Nintendo World and they're in the real world. It's not easy to go between them. I needed God himself to do it."

So we went to Chick-fil-A again to help fight the gay agenda. We called the other Christians there so we had a huge meeting to discuss. We were all really scared by what happened that day. We needed a plan for what to do but it was hard because of how far away the real world was from Nintendo World. We prayed to God to show us the way because we didn't know what to do. God sent us a message.

"Don't worry," God said, "You don't have to go to them, they'll come to you eventually. I know because I'm God and I know everything that'll ever happen. You just need to train so that you can beat them."


	14. THE FIRST HORSEMAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first horseman comes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My parents are so STUPID. Lauren's birthday is on January 26 and then Valentines Day is on February 14 and my parents only gave me a thousand dollars for both together. I wanted one thousand for EACH! I can't buy poor people clothes to Lauren, she deserves more than that. She's turning fourteen (isn't it col that my BFF is a year older than me?) and she'll be going to high school next year while I'll only be in eighth grade. I'm afraid that Lauren will find a new BFF in high school and forget about me.

CHAP 14-2: THE FIRST HORSEMAN

  
I was going to another double date to Chick-fil-A with Lauren, Link and Ike. We were walking to the restaurant when suddenly we turned around and the ENTIRE BRITISH MILITARY WAS SNEAKING UP BEHIND US. They were all in their red coats, marching in straight rows with their muskets and they had drummer boys to keep them marching in rhythm. They had came out of nowhere.  
  
"We're gonna bloody kill you old chap," the general in charge of the British militia said.

"No you ain't," I said.

“Yes we bloody are," the general said.

"No you ain't," I said.

"YES THEY BLOODY ARE YOU WANKERS!!!" Suddenly I saw King George the Third running up to us.

"Oh no, we're under attack!" I said.

Link and Ike drew out their swords and Lauren and I got in a fighting pose.

"BLOODY KILL THEM!" King George said.

“Bloody okay," said the general and soon like a million muskets were pointed at us. We started fighting the British Military, luckily it takes a real long time to reload a musket so we could like stab and punch them and stuff while the were busy doing that. We managed to beat a lot of them by doing that. However there were too many of them. Soon it was clear that we were defeated. The British lined us up in a row so they could kill us by firing squad.

"Bloody three... bloody two... bloody one..." the general said. We tried to dodge the bullets. Lauren and Ike managed to but I tripped and fell down so Link shielded me from the musket bullets. He was shot like a bajillion times.

“I love you Sara," Link said.

“I love you too Link because you're a a guy and I'm straight," I replied. And then Link died. I was very upset about this because he was my boyfriend and I was very attracted to him.

“I'LL KILL ALL OF YOUR SOLDIERS IN THE BRITISH MILITARY!!!!!!!!!!!" I said.

"No you bloody won't," King George said.

Then I started running fast and summoned both fire and a brimstone from heaven on the British Military.

"I say!" the soldiers said as they were crushed or burst into flames.

“No, now I'm bloody dead again," King George the Third said as I killed him, "but you won't stop the other bloody three horsemen!!!"

Once King George was dead, the British didn't have to fight us anymore.

"You're our bloody hero you wanket," they said, "bloody thank you Sara."

But I was still said about Link being dead now.

"We're all bloody sorry about killing Link," The British general said, "we'll help you with the bloody funeral."

So the British Military came back to the mansion with us so that they could help with Link's funeral which was the next day. It was a very sad day and when it was done the British Military left to return to England because they needed to elect a new king again.

I was still scared from running into King George on the way to Chick-fil-A so that day Lauren, Ike, Cloud (my new boyfriend because Link was dead and Marth is still gay) and I ordered pizza delivery from Papa Johns (they hate Obamacare so they're a good place to eat too) instead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So much use of the word bloody it's really amusing.
> 
> As a confession, one of the sentences really confused me while transcribing so if anyone could figure what the actual word for bronystone is I'll really appreciate it!
> 
> Sentence in question: Than I stareted ranning firs and bronystone from hevan on the Britash Miltry.


	15. EVIL CLONE SARA

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Johnson and Becky make an evil clone of Sara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You liberals need to stop attacking my story. Everything in it is a thousand percent true and I still don't know why everyone thinks I'm a lesbian. I'M NOT A LESBIAN PEOPLE!!!

CHAP 15: EVIL CLONE SARA

A few days after Link's death, I was walking through the mansion with Lauren, Cloud and Ike. I walked past the room with the TV screens that showed us when Satan and Obama brought the four horsemen. There was talking from inside it again, so I opened the door again and saw that it was still showing Subspace World with Obummer (Haha!) and Satan.  
  
"King George is dead again," Satan said.  
  
"Oh my god, that sucks," Obama said.  
  
“I know," Satan said. "Now there's only three horsemen and what if Lauren, Sara and all those other people kill them too?"  
  
"Don't worry my masters!" Mr. Johnson came into the room.  
  
"You have a plan Mr. Johnson?" Obama said.

"Yes." Suddenly I WALK IN SOMEHOW EVEN THOUGH I WASN'T THERE!!!

"OH NO IT'S SARA!!!" Satan and Obama pooped their pants.

"No, this is a clone of Sara," Mr. Johnson said. "I made her in my science classroom with the help of my favorite student."

Suddenly Becky walked in the room. Becky is really stupid but thinks she's so smart because she wears glasses and gets really good grades and stuff, but she's an atheist, liberal and a "feminist" which really means she's a lesbian my dad said when I asked him what a feminist was. Also she has lots of zits and acne on her face and she's really fat too, I mean I saw her buying a SIZE six pants from Target (lol she's so poor and morbidly obese), I don't like her at all!!!

"This clone is exactly like Sara EXCEPT SHE'S A LESBIAN!!!" Becky said.

"How did you make that happen?" Satan said.

"First we made a normal clone of Sara and then Becky raped her," Mr. Johnson said.

"I've always been jealous of Sara because she's so much prettier and smarter than I am and I have an obvious lesbian crush on her, so it was fun to rape her clone," Becky said.

"Can I go kill the real Sara and then rape Lauren and have a threesome with her and Becky now," Evil Clone Sara said.

"No, you don't have Real Sara's God powers since I got her genetics before that happened, so you can't kill her. You need to rape her into a lesbian too so that she'll turn into an evil lesbian and use God's own powers against him," Mr. Johnson said.

"Okay," Evil Clone Sara said. "Then we'll have a lesbian four way after I rape my good version and Lauren."

"That's the spirit!" Obama said.

"I love you Evil Clone Sara," Becky said. Then she and my evil clone started making out which was DISGUSTING because even if I was a lesbian WHICH I'M NOT, I'd date Lauren because she's so pretty and Becky is so ugly. However, I'm not a lesbian so I want to date dudes not either of them even though Lauren is my BFF and she's so pretty and I love her in a friend way, not in a romantic way because I'm not a lesbian.

"Okay Evil Clone Sara since you don't have Sara's God Powers, Lord Satan and I will give you ours," Barack Obama said.

So than Obama and Satan gave Evil Clone Sara their powers.

"Now go to the Smash Mansion and rape Lauren and the real Sara!" Satan said.

"I can't wait until those to are lesbians too!" Evil Clone Sara said. "I will have so much lesbian sex with Lauren when she's a lesbian."

I knew that my clone was NOTHING LIKE ME AT ALL when she said that because I'm not a lesbian! Lauren is my BFF not my lover.


	16. EVIL CLONE SARA COMES TO MANSION AND ALSO THE SECOND HORSEMAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara must fight Evil Clone Sara and the second horseman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what's really funny? I said Becky wears a size six pants in the last chapter but I checked her pants size in gym class today and she actually wears a SIZE EIGHT now. Lol she got even fatter. I wear a size two in case you're wondering. I'm trying to get to a size zero like Lauren.

CHAP 16: EVIL CLONE SARA COMES TO MANSION AND ALSO THE SECOND HORSEMAN

The next day, I was alone outside of the mansion looking at all the flowers and stuff because they smelled like Lauren and were pretty like her. It was all perfect and stuff and I didn't see any danger. I was on high alert though because I knew Evil Clone Sara would come to the mansion soon and I wanted to be ready. But then when I looked around again, I saw MAO ZEDONG THE SECOND HORSEMAN and he was riding Godzilla and had a bunch of samurais, ninjas and other Asian stuff with him. I was all alone and scared as I cried for Lauren to come save me but she wasn't near so I called for my boyfriend Cloud however he wasn't there either. I started calling the names of all of the Christian smashers but I was all alone.

"No one is here to help you," Mao Zedong said. Then Godzilla roared.

"Oh no," I said.

"Now Godzilla is going to eat you," Mao Zedong said, "but first, I will send all of these samurais and ninjas to kill you."

“Please no," I said.

“Too late. Lord Satin will be very pleased," Mao Zedong said.

Suddenly the samurais and the ninjas attacked me, so I had to fight them. I killed like a thousand of each before they were all defeated. Then Godzilla attacked by by trying to eat me and he was so huge that I couldn't beat him normally. So I had to use my final smash and turn into an angel. I reigned divine fury on Godzilla and Mao Zedong as an angel and killed them both.

"You killed me!!!!!" Mao Zedong said as he died. Godzilla just roared and fell over. I returned to the inside of the mansion and told Lauren, Cloud, Ike and many other Christian smashers I could find about my fight with Mao Zedong, Godzilla, samurais and the ninjas. When I got to the telling Mario, he was confused.

“But how were you outside fighting Mao Zedong when you were in here minutes ago," he said.

“No I wasn't," I replied.

“Yes you were. You went into Peach's room to talk to her alone," Mario said.

“OH NO! THAT'S NOT ME, THAT's EVIL CLONE SARA AND SHE'S A LESBIAN SO PEACH IS IN DANGER!!!!!" I yelled.

“OH MY GOD that's terrible," Mario said.

So Mario and I ran to Peach's room to try to save her from Evil Clone Sara and we met up with Lauren, Cloud and Ike along the way. When we got to the room, we opened the door and inside PEACH AND EVIL CONE SARA WERE HAVING LESBIAN SEX!!! WE WERE ALREADY TOO LATE!!!

"Oh no, my girlfriend is lesbian now!" Mario said. Peach and Evil Clone Sara stopped having lesbian sex and looked at us.

"Hi good Sara... and Lauren," Evil Clone Sara stated approaching Lauren seductively.

"Stay back!" Lauren pulled out her cross to repeal Evil Clone Sara and Peach.

“Lauren! I just want to have a foursome with you, Good Sara and Becky," Evil Clone Sara said.

“Ew, Becky is so disgusting!" Lauren said. "She's so fat and stupid."

"I know but she's the reason I'm a lesbian, so I'm grateful to her," Evil Clone Sara said.

"Why would you be grateful for the person who made you a bad person who's going to hell!?" I said.

“Because I'm happy that I'm a lesbian," Evil Clone Sara said.

“It doesn't matter how happy evil makes you, you're still evil and you will be very unhappy when you die and go to hell for being a lesbian," I said.

“Well then, I'll make you and Lauren join me in hell!" Evil Clone Sara said.

“Let's run out of here," Cloud said. So Lauren, Mario, Cloud, Ike and I ran out of the room. Luckily Peach and Evil Clone Sara went back to having lesbian sex and didn't chase after us.


	17. LINK IS IN SUBSPACE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara finds out where Link is and must use her wits to beat Evil Clone Sara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't know why everyone thinks I'm a lesbian when I'm not. Being a homosexual is a choice so I'm not a lesbian because I don't choose to be one. I CHOOSE TO BE STRAIGHT!!! That way I'll go to heaven and not hell which is where lesbians go when they die.

CHAP 17: LINK IS IN SUBSPACE

I was walking past the room with the TV screens again and I heard voices coming from inside it once again. I went inside the room because they last two times, it was very important. When I looked at the screens, I saw Link was tied up in Subspace World and Barack Obama and Satan were next to him.

"Haha, we have you prisoner!" they said, "and soon we'll have a gay guy in here to rape you so you'll turn gay."

“No, that won't work," Link said. "I knew that might happen, so I poured a lot of super glue in my but so gay guys couldn't rape me ever because their man parts can't get in there when its closed all the time."

"Oh no, you outsmarted us but we need to find some super glue remover. We'll keep you tied up while we do that." So Satan and Barack Obama left the room. I rant out of the TV screen room because I knew I only had a little time to save him before Satan and Obama got the super glue removed and I didn't want to fail Link like I've failed Marth. I ran down the hallway until I found Lauren. She wasn't in the mansion yet when Marth was turned gay, so I kew she'd be an important factor in saving Link. However before I could talk, Evil Clone Sara ran from the other way.

"Stay away from Lauren, Evil Clone Sara!" Evil Clone Sara said.

“No, you're Evil Clone Sara!" I said.

“No, I'm the real Sara," Evil Clone Sara said. "You are Evil Clone Sara and I'll lead Lauren into the safety of our room to protect her from you. Follow me Lauren."

“No, don't listen to her! She's Evil Clone Sara and she'll just rape you when you go to your room with her," I said.

“I don't know which one of you is the real Sara!" Lauren said, "we have to do a test!"

“Okay," I said. I knew I could win because I'm the real Sara.

“Okay," Evil Clone Sara said. She fell right into the trap because I knew Lauren wouldn't fall for her tricks. Also unlike me, Evil Clone Sara was a lesbian so she couldn't possibly get the right answers to questions that a straight girl like me would know.

"First question is for this Sara." Lauren pointed to Evil Clone Sara. "How did we first meet?"

“Our mothers were in Bible study together, so they learned they had daughters around the same age. So one day when I was four and you were five, they brought me to your house. You were playing The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker on your gamecube and it was the first time I ever saw a girl playing video games even though my brother had a Playstation 2 that he played Madden football games on. You were wearing a green shirt and blue jeans. Even then, I thought you were very pretty. When I spent more time with you, I started to like video games too," Evil Clone Sara said. OH NO! THAT WAS RIGHT! EVIL CLONE SARA MUST'VE HAD ALL OF MY MEMORIES!!!

“Right," Lauren said. Then she turned to me. "Now other Sara, what was the first game you owned for yourself that wasn't your brothers?"

“I got the Playstation one game Final Fantasy VII which was older than my fifth birthday that September. That's the game with Cloud in it," I said. "I played it at your house earlier because your sister owned it too."

“Right!" Lauren said. "Since both of you were right, we have to do a tie breaker. Both of you at the same time yell out the name of your favorite store."

“Victora's Secret," I said. I don't actually buy stuff there that often but I like to look ta all of the pretty women in their catalog and on pictures in the store but only because I hope to look like them someday, not because I'm a lesbian.

“Home Depot," Evil Clone Sara said, revealing herself to be the fake. Lauren stepped away from Evil Clone Sara because we both knew that my clone was a dangerous lesbian.

“Oh no, you found me out!!!!" and Evil Clone Sara ran away.

I told Lauren about how I saw Link captured in Subspace so we have to save him. We found the other Christian smashers and prepared to go to Subspace again. Hopefully this time it'll turn out a lot better.


	18. RETURN TO SUBSPACE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara saves Link

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so scared today. Lauren's sister Leslie was back from college for this weekend and she was watching a show on her computer called Buffy the Vampire Slayer which is a really old show about lesbians. She said she borrowed the complete DVD set from one of her good college friends. I'm afraid that LESlie (see it's right there in her name) was turned into a lesbian at college which I heard happens to good Christian girls sometimes. This goes along with her voting for that Gary Johnson guy instead of Mitt Romney. I had to sleep really close to Lauren in bed so her sister couldn't rape us when we slept. But Lauren's sister is still here and she'll be back in two weeks for Lauren's birthday. What if her "present" for her sister is LESBIAN SEX!!!

CHAP 18: RETURN TO SUBSPACE

Lauren and I got Cloud, Ike, Toon Link, Pit, Ness, Lucas, Mario, Luigi, Sonic, Master Chief, Kirby, and King Dedede and we all went to Subspace to save Link. We knew it was dangerous because there were more gays and lesbians in Subspace then in San Francisco. Also Satan and Barack Obama were there and they were the evilest people to ever live.

We got to Subspace and were instantly swarmed by enemies. They attacked us but we fought back. I used my God powers, Lauren used her awesomeness, Cloud used his ginormous sword and did omnislash and Ike used his sword and so did Toon Link. Pit banished the bad guys to hell and Ness and Lucas used their magic powers. Mario and Luigi shot fireballs and Sonic turned into a ball to hit the evil people. Master Chief shot them with a ton of guns and Kirby and King Dedede used big hammers. It was a really difficult fight but we one. Then two German gay guys with blonde hair and blue eyes attacked us, donning swastikas as I knew Hitler the third horseman has to be nearby.

"Hello Sara," Hitler said. "I didn't except to see you here today."

It was Hitlet and he had his Nazi army of German gays and lesbians with him!!!

"We're here to save Link!" I said.

“But you will fail since you can't beat the power of communism, gayness and LORD SATAN!!!" Hitler said. "NAZIS ATTACK!!!"

“Yes mein Fuhrer." The Nazis attacked us, then Hitler pulled out a joint of pot and began smoking it.

“Don't do drugs Hitler or you will go to Hell!" I said.

“I won't stop because I'm evil. Before I changed the name of Germany to the Soviet Union, I changed it to Deutschland so I could smoke weed in Amsterdam everyday (if you listen to his speeches, he says Deutschland a lot of times but never Germany)," Hitler said. I would've talked to Hitler more about how drugs are bad but I had to fight the Nazis he sent to kill us. King Dedede was hitting the Nazis with his hammer when HITLER SNEAKED UP BEHIND HIM AND RAPED HIM, TURNING HIM GAY!!! Then we had to fight King Dedede too.

After Hitler was defeated, we ran to the room were Link was and he was still tied up.

"Sara! You came to save me!" he said. Before I could untie him, I had to check his butt to see if there was still super glue in there. I told Ike to do that and he did.

“Yep there's still super glue," he said. So I cut Link free. Just then, Satan and Barack Obama returned with the super glue remover.

"Stop them, they're escaping!" Satan said. Then some gay guys jumped out and started raping Cloud. I knew it was too late for him, so we all had to run away with Link. We managed to get back to the Smash Mansion but we were too tired to go to Chick-fil-A so we ordered Papa John's pizza again. We didn't tip the delivery guy because that encourages laziness to give money to poor people.


	19. GOLIATH THE REALLY BIG EVIL GUY

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Johnson and Becky make a really big evil guy out of the DNA of the three dead horsemen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent another night at Lauren's house. Luckily Lauren's sister still hasn't raped us and she's leaving for college again today. I'm afraid that she'll try to turn Lauren and maybe also me into a lesbian at Lauren's birthday party though. Maybe I should buy Lauren some pepper spray for her birthday, just in case (but that won't be her only gift because I'm a good friend but not her lesbian lover). Also I don't know why everyone thinks I'm a slut. Sluts are girls who have sex with boys before marriage and I've never even wanted to do that. I've never even wanted to kiss a boy before marriage. Also there wear clothes that show off their big, sexy boobs and their butts in order to put lesbian thoughts in the minds of straight Christian girls like me that we have to pray to make stop.

CHAP 19: GOLIATH THE REALLY BIG EVIL GUY

The next day, Samus, Zelda, Peach and Evil Clone Sara were having a lesbian orgy in the cafeteria of the mansion.

"Stop this!" Master Hand said. "There is a rule in the mansion; no lesbian orgies in the lunchroom."

“No, we won't stop," Evil Clone Sara said.

“Sara? You're a lesbian?" Master Hand said.

“No I'm not!" I yelled over from my table. "That's Evil Clone Sara."

“You have a evil clone?" I realized no one told Master Hand about Evil Clone Sara.

“Yeah," I said.

“You need to tell me when Evil Clone Sara came to the mansion," Master Hand said. "There's lots of paperwork that needs to be done whenever there's a new smasher."

“BUT SHE'S NOT A SMASHER! SHE'S MY EVIL CLONE WHO'S LIBERAL, LESBIAN AND A ATHEIST AND SHE'S TRIED TO RAPE LAUREN AND I!!!" I said.

“I don't care! We need to be tolerant," Master Hand said.

“No, you can't tolerate the gay agenda, they'll turn everyone into gays and lesbians if you don't seem them to prison until they die and go to Hell!" I said.

“Stop being a homophobe Sara," Master Hand said.

“You are wrong!" I angrily stormed off, Lauren, Link and Ike followed me afterwards. I couldn't believe that Master Hand was being so unreasonable and I hated him so much for going against God by turning a blind eye to the gay agenda. I walked past the TV screen room again and heard talking yet again. I went inside and looked at the screens but Becky's fat butt took up half the screen and her ginormous zits took up the other half. She was winning the award from the Guinness Book of World Records, both for her fatness and how big her zits are. Then the award giver left afterwards. 

“I'm very unhappy!" Satan said. "Hitler, Mao and King George are all dead and Link escaped before we could turn him gay."

“Don't worry Lord Satan," Mr. Johnson said, "Becky and I created a new servant for you. His name is Goliath,  like the big guy in the Bible who fought King David except this Goliath won't die from a slingshot because I sprayed him with slingshot repellent."

Suddenly a really huge guy walked into the room. He was extremely big and like ten feet tall and his muscles were huge.

"Bloody das boot kawaii!" he said. I knew he had to be half British, German and Asian. That could only mean he was made from the DNA of the three other horsemen. I remembered how scary difficult those three fights were and was very afraid about have to fight someone with the combined abilities of all three of them.

“I made from from the DNA of Hitler, Mao Zedong and King George the Third along with a bunch of other communists. Then I replaced his blood with steroids so he'd get really, really big like he is," Mr. Johnson said.

“Wanker sauerkraut banzai!” Goliath said.

"Now Becky, you must go to the Smash Mansion and take Goliath with you to beat up Sara and Lauren so you can rape them," Barack Obama said.

“Okay," Becky said. Then she and the really big guy left the room. She was so far that it was hard for her to fit through the door. Also she couldn't see it because she forgot her glasses because she's so stupid. Mr. Johnson had to lead her to get them. I knew I was in serious trouble if I ran into Goliath.


	20. GOLIATH COMES! ALSO BECKY'S REALLY FAT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A special guest helps Sara beat Goliath.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I have a question. I have a friend named Lara and she has a BFF Sauren and they are both straight Christians and they like to hug each other and hold hands but in a straight way (which is perfectly normal for straight girls to do). But than all of the sudden last evening, Lara and Sauren were in Sauren's room doing all that and then they suddenly kissed each other on the lips. How long would they have to pray for God to forgive them and for the evil urges to do that again to go away? Again these two people I'm talking about are Lara and Sauren, NOT Lauren and I but none of the four of us are lesbians.  
> I heard of something really cool in English class today and I think I'll put it in this story now.

CHAP 20: GOLIATH COMES! ALSO BECKY'S REALLY FAT

The next day, I was training with Lauren on the Final Destination stage. Her long brown hair blew in the breeze as I stared into her deep blue eyes. Even though we ABSOLUTELY ARE NOT LESBIAN LOVERS, we're still BFFS so it was difficult to have to fight her even if it was only just to train.

Eventually Lauren won and we left the arena. Suddenly Link ran up.

"The mansion is under attack!" he said. We ran to the front door to the mansion. I expected it to be Goliath and Becky and I was right. The entire mansion was shaking like an earthquake from the weight of Goliath's muscles and Becky's obesity.

Suddenly Goliath smashed through the front door.

“Bloody blitzkrieg karate” Goliath said.

Link tried to hit Goliath with his sword but it was knocked away. Then Ike tried that too but it was knocked away too. The same thing happened when Toon Link tried that. Pit tried to use his heaven boy but Goliath ran over and knocked him unconscious. Then he knocked out the other Christian smashers except for Lauren and I. When he tried to run towards us two, Beck stopped him. 

"No, I want them to be awake when I rape them. Tie them up," Becky said. Goliath grabbed some rope and tied Lauren and I up.

“Sara, I'm gonna rape Lauren first. I want you to have to watch as your BFF becomes a lesbian in love with me. Then I'll rape you too," she said.

“No, stay away!" Lauren said.

Goliath walked over to hold Lauren still but he was suddenly shot! I looked over to where the bullet came from and I saw it was my brother Josh.

"Get away from my sister and her friend!" Josh said. Suddenly the song Real American by Hulk Hogan started playing (My brother works out to this song a lot. It's annoying some of the time when I'm trying to do something else but the music fills up the house. And when Lauren and I are together to do normal straight girl friend things, the music ruins the mood. Yet this time it's good because he's there to save us. Also he's an anti-hero which I heard about in English class today which means he can do stuff that normal heroes like Lauren and I can't).

Josh put an AR fifteen under each arm and opened fire on Goliath. When he shot all the bullets, he threw the guns aside and grabbed two rocket launchers and fired the rockets. Then he threw some grenades. All of this injured Goliath and scared him away. He tried to shoot Becky too but she was so fat that the bullet just bounced off. She ran away anyway though. 

After Josh united Lauren and I, Master Hand and Crazy Hand flew in.

"What's going on here?" Master Hand said.

“I just saved your mansion and your smashers you stupid glove," Josh said.

“That was amazing," Master Hand said. "Do you want to join the smashers? I'll get the paperwork."

“No, I work alone." And so Josh walked out of the front door of the mansion. "I'll come back to protect my sister when she needs it but I don't want to listen to anyone's authority but God's."

And soon Josh was gone.


	21. THE GOOD TEACHER

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara's good teacher comes to the Smash Mansion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm starting to get scared that Barack Obama and the liberal media might find this story and make Fanfiction.net take it down, so know I'm on the waiting list for another site called Archive of Our Own which I'll put a backup of this on for if the liberals remove my story here to silence me, I can continue it there. I will not be silenced Barack Obama!!!!

CHAP 21: THE GOOD TEACHER

It was a few days later and Josh was still hidden and we couldn't find him. So I went on another double date to Chick-fil-A wih Lauren, Link and Ike. I was eating my food when suddenly a familiar person I wasn't expecting came and sat next to me.

“Hi Sara,” she said.

“Hi Tiffany,” I said back.

It was my English teacher Miss Dawson but I call her Tiffany even though in real life she's been telling me to stop doing that four months and says she'll give me a demerit if I do it again. In this story she's okay with it though. She's really patient with me even though I have dyslexia and writing is hard. She even lets me come in after school sometimes to get help with writing. I think that means we're friends. I think dyslexia is a challenge that God made for me just like he made girls so much more attractive than boys so that staying straight wouldn't be easy for me and I'd have to work at it. I'm try hard to overcome both challenges so I can have a good life and then go to heaven. She's also young, pretty and smells nice. The only bad thing is that she's engaged to Mr. Johnson of all people. In fact, I wrote the first chapter of this story afer she came into class and told us she was engaged. Most of the girls in my class are mad about the engagement because they think Mr. Johnson is hot for some reason but he's an atheist liberal and he's not good enough for Tiffany.

"I just broke up with Mr. Johnson because he's evil!" Tiffany said.

“Cool," I said. So we all went back to the mansion together. When we got to the mansion, Master Hand flew up.

“Sara you need to stop bringing new people here," Master Hand said, "especially without doing the paperwork."

“Master Hand, you're such a jerk! Why do you have to be that way!?" I said.

“It's okay Sara," Tiffany said. "I'll so the really big glove thing's paperwork."

And so Tiffany left to do that. I went into the TV screen room again to see if the evil people were up to anything. Mr. Johnson looked sad.

"My girlfriend broke up with me because I'm evil," he said.

“That's okay, we should probably tell Samus to rape her into a lesbian anyway," Barack Obama said.

“Yeah, go do that now Becky. Samus is probably in Home Depot because she's a lesbian," Satan said.

“Okay," Becky said. "I was going to go to there anyways because I'm a lesbian. When Miss Dawson (she's not good enough friends with Tiffany to call her by her first name) is a lesbian, she'll go bye Ms. Dawson because that's what liberal lesbian women do and then she'll give Sara a F and rape her."

And so Becky left to go to Home Depot. I was scared again. I had to protect Tiffany from becoming a lesbian! I'd stop her before she got to Home Depot but I'm straight so I didn't know where the nearest one to the mansion was and even if I did, that place would certainly be filled with too many lesbians so I just had to protect Tiffany by staying near her.

I want to tell everyone about what I saw. Lauren, Link, and Ike joined me in protecting Tiffany from being raped by Samus.


	22. ASSAULT ON HOME DEPOT PART 1: THE PLAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara and friends plan an assault on Home Depot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you read this chapter, you need to hear about my first and thankfully only trip to Home Depot in real life. I was nine years old and my dad picked me up from ballot class but he needed to stop by Home Depot to buy some stuff. He wouldn't let me stay in the car because the Mexicans hangout outside of Home Depot and they would give me crack and then send me to Mexico to be a child prostitute for their drug cartels. So when I went inside, I got bored and wandered away from my dad. I got lost and couldn't find my dad. Soon some woman who worked their walked up to me, asked me my name and told me she'd help me find my dad but even then I knew she had to be a lesbian if she worked at Home Depot and would just rape me instead of leading me to my dad, so I told her to go away and ran off and twenty minutes later, I found my father. It was one of the worst times of my life.

CHAP 22: ASSAULT ON HOME DEPOT PART 1: THE PLAN

After I told Lauren, Link and Ike about what I saw in the TV screen room, I waited for Tiffany to get done with her meeting with Master Hand. When she was done, she came outside Master Hand's office.

"Becky is going to Home Depot to tell Samus to rape you," I told her.

“Oh no," Tiffany said. "We need to do something."

“Don't worry," I said. "We're all going to protect you."

“I think that all these lesbians in Home Depot need to be dealt with," Link said.

“But there are too many of them there," I said.

“That's why we have to do something," Tiffany said. "Home Depot is the focal point of all lesbian activity in the area." 

“It's too dangerous to try to fight them there on their home turf," I said. Lauren put her hand on my shoulder.

“Don't worry Sara, we all believe in you," Lauren said.

“Thank you Lauren," I smiled at her.

“So you're attacking Home Depot." I turned towards the door and Josh was there. "How can I help?"

“We need a plan," I said.

“I'll come up with one," Tiffany said. "Just bring all the Christian smashers to a meeting room in an hour."

So we waited over an hour and hen went in the meeting room with all the Christian smashers. Tiffany had a projector hooked up to a computer and then she started showing us her plan.

"First of all, we need to split up into two teams," Tiffany said. "I'll be staying here as mission control and looking at a map of Home Depot on the internet to tell you where to go though walkie-talkies. Sara and Josh are the team captains and you need to select your team members. Sara, you go first."

"I choose Lauren," I said.

“I choose Master Chief,” Josh said.

“Link,” I said.

“Mario,” Josh said.

“Ike,” I said.

“Pit” Josh said.

“Ness,” I said.

“Lucas” Josh said.

“Luigi,” I said.

“Toon Link,” Josh said.

“Sonic,” I said.

That meant Kirby went with Josh. Our teams went over to us as we called them, then Tiffany continued with her plan.

"Josh's team needs to fight the Mexicans outside of Home Depot and then barricade the entrances to keep reinforcements from arriving. Sara's team will clear out all the lesbians from inside the store. When that part of the mission is complete, you need to fine a wrecking ball and destroy the store itself once and for all. That will make most of the lesbians disappear from the area."

"This sounds like a plan," I said. So we all got ready to go to the lesbian HQ and take the fight to them.


	23. ASSAULT ON HOME DEPOT PART 2: INVASION OF HOME DEPOT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara and friends begin their assault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finished shopping for Lauren's birthday today. Hopefully she likes what I got her. I haven't talked to her much in real life since Sunday but not because we're awkward about our kiss, because we didn't kiss and we are straight and not lesbians.

CHAP 23: ASSAULT ON HOME DEPOT PART 2: INVASION OF HOME DEPOT

We all approached Home Depot from a hill overlooking it. The parking lot was patrolled by Mexicans. They were speaking Spanish instead of English because they were illegal immigrants. Josh's team ran down the hill to them to get their attention.

"Que pasa hombre (what's up man)?"the leader of the Mexicans said which was probably an insult in their language.

"SPEAK ENGLISH!!!" Josh hit the Mexican leader in the face. He grabbed his sombrero and and threw it like a Frisbee at Josh but Josh blocked it with his football helmet. Then Josh used his linebacker skills from football to tackle the Mexican leader. Then the rest of Josh's team came. They fought the Mexicans too while my team ran into Home Depot to fight the lesbians.

“Sara watch out! There's lesbians directly to your left (because lesbians are too leftwing)," I heard Tiffany say through my walkie-talkie. She was on a website of the internet that showed were all the lesbians were in Home Depot and also where I was.

I shot the lesbians that were running at me a bunch of times and then Link and Ike ran over and chopped their heads off to make sure they were really dead and wouldn't come back as lesbian zombies.

"Now there's lesbians hiding behind the checkout lines," Tiffany said. I threw some grenades at the checkout lines and blew up the hidden lesbians. Then we snuck farther into Home Depot.

There were lots of lesbians in there for us to fight. I used my god powers and my dad's shotgun. Lauren used martial arts (she's a black belt in taekwondo ). Link shot arrows and bombs at the lesbians. Ike decapitated them with his big sword. Ness used PK Fire on them and Luigi did that thing where he flies really far with a headbutt and Sonic ran really fast and turned into a ball. We were in the headquarters of lesbians though so they kept coming. Then Samus, Zelda, Peach, Evil Clone Sara and Becky came. The other lesbians stepped aside to let them through because they were the most important lesbians. 

"Well, well, look who came," Samus said.

"I thought the Mexicans would stop you," Zelda said.

“My brother is fighting them," I said.

“Well then, he will die. All Mexicans have drug cartel training so they know how to fight real good," Peach said.

“And we're going to rape you and Lauren to make up for all the lesbians you killed before our massive orgy today," Evil Clone Sara said.

“And then we'll all go to the mansion and rape Miss Dawson and Master Hand will let us because he is tolerant of our evil gay agenda," Becky said.

“No, I'll stop you!" I said.

“Ha! There's only a few of you and a lot of us," Becky said, "and I'm fat enough to count for like ten people while you and Lauren are so thin and pretty and stuff."

“But you forgot one thing—I have God on my side," I said.

“But we're atheists so we worship Satan and don't believe in God," Samus said.

“And that's why you will lose," I said. "When God created the Earth SIX THOUSAND YEARS AGO, he made sure that good would always triumph over evil!"

“Lol you're stupid! The Earth is billions of years old, not six thousand," Becky said.

“No, you're wrong and you liberals are using your biased claims to lie to the people and try to undermine the word of GOD!!!" I said. I activated my final smash and got ready to fight all the lesbians at once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not going to lie, as a Latinx this chapter was pretty awkward to transcribe.


	24. ASSAULT ON HOME DEPOT PART 3: SARA CONQUERS HOME DEPOT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara conquers and destroys Home Depot once and for all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How many times do I have to say it; I'M NOT A LESBIAN AND NEITHER IS LAUREN and I'm not in denial. Also I have another day off from school on Monday because of Martin Luther King Day. I forgot what he did to get a holiday but he's black so he was probably the first MVP of the NBA or something. I wonder if there will be a Lebron James day someday. I like the Miami Heat because they win all the time and since all basketball teams are filled with liberals, I don't have any other way to choose which team to root for.

CHAP 24: ASSAULT ON HOME DEPOT PART 3: SARA CONQUERS HOME DEPOT

Instantly when I activated my final smash, a bunch of lesbians leaped to pin me to the ground but I made a force field that disintegrated them. Then I fired some more beams of heavenly light that vaporized more lesbians. Then Peach grabbed a chainsaw from one of the shelves and ran at me with it. I grabbed the chainsaw blade and ripped the chain off while it was running and knocked Peach aside and she was unconscious.

Soon it was clear to them that I had won and Becky got out her phone and called Satan and Barack Obama. Suddenly a portal opened up to Subspace.

"Hurry! Get in!" Obama said. Becky, Evil Clone Sara, and Samus jumped into the portal. Zelda tried to follow them but Link used the football skills that Josh taught him to tackle Zelda and the portal closed before she could get to it. Then Ike knocked her out unconscious.

“I see online that you knocked Peach and Zelda unconscious," Tiffany said.

“Yeah," I said. "Should we kill them before they wake up?"

“No, I have an idea. Tie them up and bring them to my room when you're done with destroying Home Depot," Tiffany said.

“Okay," I said.

So after I got rid of all the lesbians that were still inside hidden, I walked outside and Link climbed into the wrecking ball machine and destroyed Home Depot. After that was done, we hired a construction team to build a new shopping mall there and they would have guards to make sure gays and lesbians didn't come inside. Then we left to return to Tiffany's room with the unconscious Zelda and Peach. Along the way, they woke up.

"Hey, will you let us go so we can rape you," Zelda said.

"No, I said.

“But you'll like being a lesbian," Peach said. "Evil Clone Sara is a lesbian and she's really happy.

“But she;s going to hell!" I said. "I choose to be straight to go to heaven."

“You need to stop! Listen to your parents there is no heaven and Lord Satan will be nice to you in hell," Zelda said.

“No! Satan is evil and you're a liar!" I shouted. "NOW SHUT UP OR I'LL KNOCK BOTH OF YOU UNCONSCIOUS AGAIN!!!"

Zelda and Peach shut up. Soon we returned to the mansion.

"Sara, why did you destroy Home Depot!?" Master Hand said as he was waiting outside the front door.

“Because that's where all the lesbians congregate," I said.

“That doesn't matter, you need to be tolerant and why are Peach and Zelda tied up?" Master Hand said.

“Because Tiffany wants to see them in her room," I said.

“Why," Master Hand said.

“I don't know, but it sounds important," I said.

“Okay but you need to be punished too for destroying Home Depot. So no more matches until I say so!" Master Hand flew off.

“I can't believe Master Hand."

“He's such a stupid jerk!" Lauren said. She hugged me because she knew I felt bad about my unfair punishment. We took Peach and Zelda to Tiffany's room.

“Okay, they're here," I said. "Why do you want two tied up lesbians in your room, they might break free and rap you."

“Good Sara," Tiffany said. "Don't worry about me, I have a gun and I'm getting Master Chief to be my armed guard (ALL SCHOOLS SHOULD HAVE ARMED TEACHERS AND ARMED GUARDS. BARACK OBAMA's KIDS SCHOOL HAS THOSE BUT HE DOESN'T WANT ANY OTHER SCHOOL TOO BECAUSE HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT ANYONE ELSE'S KIDS BUT HIS OWN. HE JUST WANTS TO TAKE AWAY EVERYONE'S GUNS). As for why I need these two, well, I need to test things on them because I'M GOING TO INVENT A CURE FOR HOMOSEXUALITY!!!"


	25. THE SEARCH FOR A CURE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara and Lauren help Tiffany search for a cure to homosexuality.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so excited, it's only one week until Lauren's Birthday!!! Too bad Obama's second inauguration is on Monday which sort of ruins the day off from school. He didn't really win the election go to BarackOFraud.com to learn the TRUTH about his EVASION FRAUD and why Mitt Romney should be president now because he's the one who really won.

CHAP 25: THE SEARCH FOR A CURE

For the next few days, Tiffany was on the internet looking up the cure for homosexuality. Lauren and I helped her with this. I was so excited because of the cure, not because I needed it because I'm already completely straight but because it could help a lot of people like Peach, Zelda, Marth, Snake, King Dedede and Cloud who were all originally Christians but were turned gay while I was in the mansion. Mario suddenly came.

"Did you develop a cure for my girlfriend Peach yet?" Mario said.

“I'm not your girlfriend anymore, I'm a lesbian now," Peach said.

“That's a no then." Mario left the room disappointed.

“In order to figure out a cure, I need to know why people turned gay when raped by gays and lesbians. There has to be a reason for it," Tiffany said. "Sara and Lauren, go to the library and get as many books as you can find."

So Lauren and I went through the library to find books about how people turn gay. Master Hand's library was the biggest one so it was hard to find the right books. We ran into Crazy Hand.

"Do you know where your brother keeps the books about why people turn gay?" I said.

“Yes but he told me not to tell you because you need to be tolerant and not try to change people," Crazy Hand said.

“I'll give you money," I said.

“Okay, I'll help you." Crazy Hand flew off and came back with lots of books what we needed. I gave him money and left the room, making my way back to Tiffany's room.

“Yes, these books will help," she said. "Now I need to do some research so bring me back something from Chick-fil-A."

So Lauren, Link, Ike and I went to Chick-fil-A and got some food and eat it, then ordered take out for Tiffany and told everyone what she was doing and the people that worked there gave us Tiffany's food for free because she was working on a good cause and they said they'd help in anyway they could. We brought Tiffany back the free food.

"I found out something important," Tiffany said. "Samus and Captain Falcon weren't turned gay by rape but by the government vaccine!"

“Oh yeah," I remembered that.

“So we need to find the vaccine and then make it the opposite so it cures homosexuality instead of making people gay," Tiffany told us. "I need to research this some more after I eat."

She ate the Chick-fil-A food and then returned to her work. It was a few days later when she found out more about the vaccine.

"I have good news and bad news. The good news is I found out where the vaccine is," she said. "You need to get it so I can find out what's in it so I can make what's opposite of it and cure homosexuality."

“Okay, I'll do that," I said.

“What's the bad news?" Lauren said.

“The bad news is Barack Obama keeps the vaccine in a secret room of the white house next to his plans for white slavery. It's really secret and no one knows about it, so it'll be hard to find and he will try to stop you because the white house is where he lives," Tiffany said. "You need to use stealth to break in and get the vaccine so only bring a few people."

I decided to bring Lauren, Link and Ike. We had to sneak into the white house!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The more I transcribe this, the further I realize how much I miss Obama.


	26. SNEAKING INTO THE WHITE HOUSE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara invades the white house.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again everyone, it's Sunday so I hope you all went to church. if you don't you will go to HELL!!! I can't believe its been a month since I published this on Fanfiction.net. Time really files. Thanks to everyone who left me good reviews in that time!
> 
> This is my first Archive of Our Own exclusive chapter because Barack Obama found out about my story on Fanfiction.net.

CHAP 26: SNEAKING INTO THE WHITE HOUSE

That night, Lauren, Link, Ike and I went to the White House in Washington, DC. We had to think of a plan to sneak inside. We went to the Chick-fil-A in the city to talk about our plan because anywhere else would case liberals to eavesdrop on us and warn Barack Obama.

Suddenly as we were talking, Governor Mitt Romney, Congressman Paul Ryan and Speaker of the House John Boehner walked into the restaurant.

"Hi Sara," Mitt Romney said.

“Hi guys," I said.

“God told us what you were doing and asked us to help you break into the white house," Paul Ryan said.

“Yes, we've also need to get the plans for white slavery because we're all white and don't wan tot be slaves to the blacks, Mexicans and the Asians," Governor Romney said.

“Cool," I said. "Tiffany said there in the same room."

“Okay," Congressmen Ryan said.

So we all went to the white house and entered through the front door. Suddenly a bunch of liberals attacked us. Lauren, Link, Ike, Ryan, Boehner and I started fighting them, but then Romney pulled out a lot of money and paid the liberals to leave because liberals are poor and like getting money for nothing. Then we looked for Barack Obama's oval office because that led to the room. Suddenly Barack Obama came out of a room wearing pajamas with pictures of Lenin, Stalin and Karl Marx all with hearts around them.

"Hey! What are you doing in my house!" he said.

“Where is the vaccine that causes gayness! Tell us or we'll beat you up!" I said.

Suddenly Barack Obama pulled our a red lightsaber! He was a Sith Lord! It was weird that he was a liberal with a red lightsaber and I was a conservative with a blue lightsaber but I guess Star Wars got it mixed up.

"Go find the room, I'll fight the president," I told Lauren and everyone else. Then I started fighting Barack Obama. We fought our way to the room in the white house with a capital oval library.

“Give up Sara, you will lose," Obama said.

“No Obama, I will beat you because God is on my side!" I said.

“No, I'm going to knock you unconscious and then get a lesbian to rape you, so you will be an evil lesbian like Evil Clone Sara," Obama said.

“Why do you want everyone to turn gay, aren't you straight, you have a wife!" I said, but then Michelle Obama ran in and pulled down "her" pants and revealed that "she" was a MAN with a PENIS!!!

“Know you know the truth," Barack Obama said.

“But how do you have two daughters!?" I said.

“In a few years, I'll get surgery to turn my penis into a vagina and then I'll get pregnant and give to them and send them back in time with our time machine," Michelle Obama said.

“Honey don't tell Sara about our time machine!" Barack Obama said. "It was a gift from Lord Satan!"

"It's okay, weren't you going to defeat her and find a lesbian to rape her soon anyways," Michelle Obama said. "I want to tell her something else first. You might know me by my old name."

Suddenly Michelle Obama started moonwalking across the catwalk.

"MICHAEL JACKSON!!!" "she" said. "I faked my own death and turned myself black again and pretended to be a woman so I could marry my gay lover Barack Obama."

“You'll never get away with this!" I said.

“Yes we will!" Barack Obama and Michael Jackson said.

Suddenly Lauren, Link, Ike, Romney, Ryan and Boehner ran past the door.

"We got the vaccine and the slavery plans!" they said. So I jumped over Barack Obama and Michael Jackson and ran out of the white house with my friends. When we got outside, I told them the dark secret I learned.

“Now give us the plans and the vaccine and we'll take the vaccine to Tiffany and make the plans public so we can impeach Obama and his gay lover and foil their evil plans," Romney said. So we gay the plans and the vaccine to the three conservative politicians but they started laughing evilly. They ripped off their masks and revealed that they weren't the real Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan and John Boehner at all! They were Beck, Evil Clone Sara and Goliath in disguise!!!

“Where are the real people!" I said.

“We trapped them in Subspace and soon Barack Obama and Michael Jackson will rape them and turn them gay so they'll be spies for the Democratic Party," Becky said.

“We have to save them!" Lauren said.

“You'll have to fight us first!" Evil Clone Sara said. She threw the plans and the vaccine to Goliath who ran away with them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again I found myself in one of those sentence runts once again with the battle scene with Sara and Obama. I'm not sure what "catwalp ovar labia" is actually supposed to translate into so if you have any ideas, please tell me so I can add it in there. I'd really appreciate it.
> 
> Also, I forgot about the transphobia in this chapter too so that was something.


	27. EVIL CLONE SARA'S FINAL SMASH

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara defeats Evil Clone Sara once and for all but at what cost

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Martin Luther King Day everyone! And boo for the falsely-elected president's second inauguration! I guess I'll be rooting for the Ravens in the super bowl because the 69ers are from San Francisco so there entire team is probably gay. I wanted the Falcons to went the NFL Championship but they didn't because the refs probably were gay too and rigged the game.

CHAPTER 27: EVIL CLONE SARA'S FINAL SMASH

"There's four of us already and only two of you so give up," Lauren said.

"And I have the powers of GOD!" I said.

“Well I have the powers of Satan and Obama!" Evil Clone Sara said.

“They won't be enough to beat me," I said.

“Yes they will!" Evil Clone Sara said.

“I'll fight the others honey." Beck gave Evil Clone Sara a disgusting kiss on the lips. Link and Ike attacked Becky with their swords but she was so fat that they couldn't cut through to her blood vessels through her think layer of obesity. Lauren tried to punch her but her fist bounced off.

Meanwhile I was fighting Evil Clone Sara. We were evenly powered because she was my clone. I knew there was only one way to become more powerful than her. So I activated my final smash!

"Ha! Now you don't stand a chance against me!" I said but Evil Clone Sara just started laughing, then she activated her final smash too. I didn't even know she could do that. Her final smash made her grow a whole bunch of wings like Sephiroth the evil lady from Cloud's game (she's probably a lesbian because how evil she is and she has a manly voice in Kingdom Hearts 2).

“Oh no," I said. I knew i was in for the fight of my life. We started attacking each other and I shot holy beams and she shot demonic beams. We were still evenly powered, so I prayed to God for advice.

“Remember! Evil Clone Sara comes from you!" God said. Then I had an idea. I placed my hand on Evil Clone Sara's chest and absorbed her back into me. Then before my final smash wore off, I opened a portal to hell that sucked Becky in. I knew Satan would just let her out again but she would not have a fun time for the little bit she was there. Then my final smash wore off and I fell to the ground.

“Sara, are you okay?" Lauren said.

“You want to have lesbian sex Lauren?" I heard Evil Clone Sara in my head.

“No, I'm straight!" I shouted.

“What?" Lauren said.

“I absorbed Evil Clone Sara to beat her but now she's in my head trying to control my thoughts and turn me into a lesbian!" I said.

“Oh no!" Lauren said.

“We need to find the vaccine to make a cure for homosexuality!" Link said.

“But Goliath ran off with it!" Ike said.

Suddenly Josh walked up, carrying Goliath's severed head in one hand and the vaccine and white slavery plans in the other.

"Hi everyone, I saw Goliath running with these so I killed him and took them," he said. He saw me withering in pain on the ground. "What's wrong with Sara?"

“RAPE LAUREN, MAKE LAUREN YOUR LESBIAN LOVER! RAPE LAUREN!" Evil Clone Sara's thoughts flew through my head. I couldn't speak (if you ever saw Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring when Frodo gets stabbed by the cloaked bad guy and collapses and they think he'll turn into one of them to, so the girl from Armageddon takes him to the elf town, something like that is happening to me in this story right now).

"Tie... tie... me up," was all I managed to get out.

“We need to take her to Tiffany!" Lauren said. So they tied me up and carried me back to the mansion. Will Tiffany find a cure in time before Evil Clone Sara takes over and I become a lesbian? Find out next time!!!


	28. TIFFANY FINDS THE CURE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tiffany finds the cure and gets rid of homosexuality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back at school again. It's good to see Tiffany again but I have to call her Miss Dawson in class or she'll give me a demerit and three of those is a detention and my parents will be mad at me if I get one of those. I really like the outfit that Tiffany wore today. She's almost as pretty as Lauren and she's a really good teacher. I wish she broke up with Mr. Johnson in real life like she did in my story.

CHAP 28: TIFFANY FINDS THE CURE

I spent the next few days in Tiffany's room. Evil Clone Sara was slowly taking over my mind. I felt sinful desires to rape every woman I saw but I still knew it was wrong, so I wasn't a lesbian. My God powers probably protected me from letting Evil Clone Sara completely take over but I knew Tiffany had to hurry.

Eventually Tiffany came with a needle.

"I'm going to inject this in you," she said.

“I'M GOING TO RAPE YOU!" I said but it was really Evil Clone Sara controlling my thoughts.

Master Chief pointed his tranquilizer gun at me in case I broke free and tried to rape Tiffany. Tiffany stuck the needle in my arm and suddenly I felt a wave of purification cleanse my soul of the gayness and soon I was as straight as I was before absorbing Evil Clone Sara (completely one-hundred percent straight people!).

"It worked," I said.

“Okay that's great! Here's a present." She pulled out something and handed it to me. It was a Home Depot gift card.

"Ew, why'd you give me this." I threw it on the ground.

“Because I had to make sure it really worked and you weren't just trying to trick me," Tiffany said. "Untie her Master Chief."

Master Chief untied me while Tiffany injected Peach and Zelda with the cure and they turned straight again too.

"Yay! We're straight again!" they said.

“Okay now we need to cure everyone else," I said. First we found the people who used to be conservative (Marth, Solid Snake, King Dedede and Cloud) and cured them.

“Hi Sara. Sorry I was gay. Can we date again?" Marth said.

“Well I'm dating Link now," I said.

"It's okay, I'll date Zelda now that she's straight again too," Link said.

“Okay," I said.

“Okay we're done now right?" Link said.

“No, we should do the right thing and cure the liberals too," Lauren said.

So we went through the mansion curing all the liberals of their gayness and making them conservative.

"I'm so sorry I tried to rape you all those times! Let's go shopping someday," Samus said to me when we cured her. "But a good store, not Home Depot."

“I destroyed Home Depot, remember?" I said.

“Oh yeah," Samus said, "but there's other Home Depots in the world and I don't want to go to any of them anymore."

Soon all of the smashers were cured and were on our side.

"Satan and Obama don't stand a chance!" I said.

Suddenly God walked in.

"Actually Satan figured out what you did and now he summoned lots of demons from Hell to guard Subspace and they're really powerful and stuff. You will need everyone to help you save Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan, and John Boehner," God said, "and I brought three more allies for this."

Suddenly the three greatest presidents in history walked in. They were Thomas Jefferson, Ronald Reagan and Ayn Rand! Thomas Jefferson wrote the constitution and invented freedom. Ronald Reagan defeated the commies by knocking down all of the walls in the Soviet Union which made the ceilings fall on all the communists and kill them and Ayn Rand wrote Atlas Shrugged which is the most important book ever except for the Bible.

I knew we had to hurry if we wanted to save the conservative politicians from Barack Obama, Michael Jackson and Satan.


	29. SAVE THE POLITICIANS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara and friends save the politicians.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update. I had a lot of homework because Mr. Johnson wants us to do the stupid science fair and the really long report (like five typed pages) is due tomorrow. Also I had another tutoring session with Tiffany and she gave me some lessons to do to help with my writing, but that's okay because Tiffany is a good teacher. It's really cold out, I can't wait for the weekend when I'll have Lauren to keep me warm (but not in a lesbian way).

CHAP 29: SAVE THE POLITICIANS

Everyone went to Subspace and there were demons everywhere. They attacked us. I tried to fight one but it was extremely powerful. I couldn't even hurt it and there was like a ton of them to fight. When I activated my final smash, I managed to beat it yet there were too many and none of my allies could use their final smash without a smash ball. I knew it would take like forever to beat them all unless there was a miracle. Luckily God is really good that those. Suddenly a whole bunch of smash balls appeared and all of my allies started hitting them until they broke. Since everyone had final smashes, they could fight the demons too and God made them keep appearing whenever they ran out so everyone could always use theirs over and over again. Soon we beat enough demons to get to the room where Link was kept when the bad guys captured him however the politicians weren't there!

"Oh no, where are they!?" I said. "Samus you were evil until just a bit ago, do you know where they are?"

“No, sorry," Samus said. "I was in the mansion when they were captured. I don't know where they are."

“I know where they are!" I heard.

“Who said that?" I said.

“No one said anything Sara," Marth said.

“It's me Evil Clone Sara but I'm not evil anymore. I'm still in your mind," I heard. I guess I forgot that Evil Clone Sara was still in my head because she was exactly like me in every way now so her thoughts were just like mine all the time.

“Where are they?" I said.

“Who are you talking to?" Lauren said.

“It's Evil Clone Sara. She's still in my head but she's not evil anymore because of the gayness cure that Tiffany made," I said. "I guess I should call her Good Clone Sara now."

So Good Clone Sara told me where the politicians were and we went to find them. We expected to fight Satan, Barack Obama and Michael Jackson but we didn't see them anywhere. When We got to the room with Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan and John Boehner, they were all having gay sex! This would have been a bigger deal if we didn't expect this and brought the cure. We just injected them and they returned to normal.

"Thanks for saving us," Mitt Romney said.

“Yeah, we were raped into being gay and were going to spy for the democratic party but you cured us just in time!" Paul Ryan said.

“Now we can return to Washington and stop Barack Obama from destroying America and enslaving all the white people," John Boehner said.

“Cool, do you know where they went?" I said.

“Satan, Obama and Michael Jackson climbed into their time machine and went back in time to the Civil War," Mitt Romney said.

So the politicians left. I knew we had to go back and stop the villains once and for all!


	30. THE SECRET TIMELINE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara finds out a very important secret about history.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's only two days until Lauren's birthday! I'm so excited! Also I'll be staying at her house for the entire weekend. That's always really fun. I can't wait, only one more day of school!

CHAP 30: THE SECRET TIMELINE

After hearing that the villains went back int time to the war of Northern Aggression, we returned to the mansion to figure out how to find them to defeat them once and for all. We couldn't use their time machine because it came from Satan so it was probably evil and stuff and we didn't have our own time machine, so we were stuck in the present.

"What should we do Sara?" Marth said.

“I don't know, I guess we should pray to God for advice," I said. So we did then God walked into the mansion.

“You want to go back in time to defeat Satan, Barack Obama and Michael Jackson?" God said.

“Yes," I said.

“Okay, I'll give you a time machine," he said, "but first, I need to tell you something."

“What God?" I said.

“I wasn't completely honest about why I sent you to the Smash Mansion. I wanted you to defeat Satan to keep him from doing evil things in this universe I said, but there's more than that."

“What?" Lauren said.

“This isn't the real timeline," God said. "All of the memories in your life are fake. Barack Obama already went back in time and changed the past with a time machine he got by making a deal with Satan."

“What really happened?” I said.

“Originally the South won the Civil War but then Barack Obama went back in time to change it so he'd be president instead of a slave," God said.

“So Obama's to blame for all the carpetbaggers in reconstitution year and the fact that the South had to listen to yankee liberals in the present?" I said.

“That's right," God said.

“We need to go back to change the timeline back to normal so that the South can rise again!" I said.

“That's why I really sent you to the Nintendo world so that you could find all this out," God said.

I was so mad. This was low, even for Obama. The South was supposed to win the war of Northern Aggression but they didn't and it was all Obama's fault! I knew I had to go back in time and change this.

"We need to go back in time and change this!" I said.

"I agree," Lauren said.

“Okay," Marth said. All the smashers agreed too.

“Okay, I need to make you a time machine." So God snapped his fingers and a time machine appeared that was big enough to fit everyone inside. I hit the button that made us go back to the civil war, then when I got out of the mansion and looked around, it worked! We were in the middle of a Confederate army camp. Suddenly a old guy walked up, wearing a gray uniform, I already knew who he was but he introduced himself anyway.

"Hi Miss I'm General Robert E. Lee, He said, "and I'm the leader of the Confederate Army during the war of Northern Aggression."


	31. THE WAR OF NORTHERN AGGRESSION

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara and friends join the Confederate Army

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tomorrow is Lauren's birthday, so there will be a special treat for you people. Lauren wrote a chapter of this story and I'll put it here. Lauren's chapter takes place during this one so the exciting cliffhanger that this chap ends on won't be resolved until Sunday. I'm sad to say that this story is almost over. Chapter 35 is going to be the last chap. So stay tuned for the epic conclusion! My fans will have to find something else to read after that, I recommend the Bible and Atlas Shrugged, both of those books are as good and well-written as this story and so is Twilight so maybe you can read that too.

CHAP 31: THE WAR OF NORTHERN AGGRESSION

"So I'm off to fight the battle of Gettysburg," General Lee said. "Who wants to come with me?"

"I do," I said.

“Sorry but no women is allowed in the military yet," General Lee said. I forgot about that. All of the smashers who were dudes were allowed to join the Confederate army and so could Samus because she was wearing her armor so no one could tell she was a woman but Lauren, Zelda, Peach, Jigglypuff, the girl Ice Climber and I weren't allowed in the military. Normally that would be good because a woman's place is at home, not on the battlefield but I needed to be the one to defeat Satan, Obama and Michael Jackson, so Lauren, the other girls and I walked away and came back wearing fake mustaches.

“Hi, who are y'all?" General Lee said.

“We are manly men and we want to join your army," I said.

“Whats your name?" General Lee said.

“Sara," I said.

“But Sara's a girls name," General Lee said.

“Yeah but this is a different time, I mean there's a dude named Ashley in Gone with the Wind, so why can't there be a dude named Sara?" I said.

“I see your point," General Lee said, "but I'm still not convinced. I mean you look like a bunch of girls in fake mustaches. There needs to be a test. Why don't you name all the NFL teams."

I knew some of the NFL teams but not all of them so I got out my iPhone and looked it up. I told the names to General Lee.

"That's right and the iPhone hasn't been invented yet, so I don't know what that is your holding. Our phones can only call people, send text messages and pictures, you can't do online on them. Also the only internet we have is dial-up like at your grandmas house, so I don't think its possible to get the info online that fast," General Lee said.

“Your Facebook must take forever to load," I said.

“Facebook hasn't been invented yet either, we still use Myspace in this time. It takes even longer though because everyone has music on their profiles though," General Lee said.

“Do you have Taylor Swift on your profile?" I said.

General Lee shook his head and said, "she hasn't been born yet. Most of us listen to Willy Nelson, Merle Haggard, Charlie Daniels and Johnny Cash."

"There all good too for a bunch of old guys," I said.

“Okay enough talking, we need to get to Gettysburg to fight the yankess," General Lee said. So we all started marching. We marched for a few days (this is the part that Lauren's chapter takes place during) before we ran into someone.

"Prepare to die Southern scum!" we heard. We looked around and saw GENERAL ULYSSES S GRANT AND THE ENTIRE YANKEE ARMY!!! The battle of Gettysburg was about to begin, except this time, I had to help the South win in order to win the war like they're supposed too.


	32. The Bond of Friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guest Chapter! Lauren reflects on her close friendship with Sara.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Lauren here! This is my chapter of my BFF Sara's fanfic. I decided to post this before anyone gets here for my party (except for Sara, who stayed the night). I have never written fanfiction before, so I don't know if this will be good or not. I asked to write this chapter because I want to tell y'all about the real Sara. The Sara I know, the Sara when we're alone together, is a kind, beautiful girl.  
> Also, Sara wants me to remind y'all that we're NOT a lesbian couple ;). Also, that was just a semicolon and a parentheses. Pay no attention to the wink that it wasn't. I just like to put random punctuation at the end of my sentences sometimes. Yeah. Look, here's a hashtag and one of those “and” things that I forget the name of: #&.  
> Now, here is my chapter. It's set the night before the end of the last chapter. I'll leave the battle with the Northerners to Sara herself. Also, it's from my point-of-view instead of Sara's.
> 
> Hi, It's Lauren again, coming to edit this chapter I wrote over a year and a half ago. Sara got her account back from when I got in last time to put an end to her Attack on Titan story... and immediately changed the password back to what it was before, and said that she did that in the first chapter of her new story. I'd change the password and lock her out again, but that would just lead to her bothering me more. I'm sorry for selfishly allowing Sara to write more of her new story just so that I don't have to deal with her in real life. I can say I'm really embarrassed by this chapter. I just want to tell you to ignore everything good I say about Sara in here. She is a horrible person. I was blinded by love when I wrote this (Yes, we were dating when Sara wrote this. Sara and I are lesbians, even though Sara still denies it. But if you got this far in the story, I'm sure you figured that out already. We broke up about six months or so after this story ended). If any of the people doing commentaries on this story are reading this (both the written commentaries all over the internet and the dramatic readings on Youtube), you are awesome. And be sure to have barf bags at the ready so you have something to puke into when you read this chapter. I know I need one. And, Sara, calling me dumb and making fun of my new girlfriend's nose is not going to get me back. Deal with it. It's August 30, 2014 at about 9:45 PM in my time zone, so just compare that to what time it is when you're reading it and you'll know how long my edit has been here without Sara noticing.

CHAPTER 32: THE BONDS OF FRIENDSHIP

I waited inside our tent for Sara to arrive, for the stench of sweaty men with 1860s bathing standards that wafted over the encampment to be gone, replaced by Sara's sweet aroma of a summer's day in a field of flowers. As she entered, I looked up, and I got lost in her azure orbs as I have many times before. Her long, golden locks flowed down her back in waves, like a field in the fall ready for harvest. She smiled at me, which was like spring coming to her face, though it revealed teeth as white and perfect as a winter's snow. She was the best of all four seasons in one very beautiful girl.

She sat down next to me and we held each others hands. I loved to feel the softness of her skin the color of porcelain that reminded me of the elegance of the vampires in Twilight. (One more added note for Past-Me: Twilight sucks, watch Hunger Games instead. Or wait until Guardians of the Galaxy comes out. That's a great movie) My skin was darker than hers. To the untrained eye, it appeared that I merely had a tan. However, it actually revealed the truth of my ancestry. My biological father, who died in a car crash when I was just one year old, was half-black. It was common knowledge that the man that my mother was married to was actually my stepfather and that my real father was dead, but my real father's race was known only to a select few people in our hometown in South Carolina. If Sara's parents or older brother knew that I was one quarter African-American, they would never allow Sara and myself to associate with one another. Sara's mother would not even allow my mother into their Bible study if they knew that her childrens' father was half-black. Sara knew the truth, however, and our very close friendship continued to thrive despite it. I knew that Sara's occasional seemingly racist statements were nothing but a desperate attempt to earn the love and respect of her parents, not a reflection of her own deeply-held beliefs.

“I know I should probably be spending some time with Marth, but...” Sara whispered to me.

“You don't love him, do you?” I got close to her face to whisper back, getting lost in her pleasing olfactory sensation. She shook her head. Her beautiful smile went back into hiding.

“I didn't really love Link or Cloud either. You know that. I mean, Link and Cloud are both legendary heroes with a lot of battle experience and Marth is a fricking PRINCE. I figure if I bring a guy like that home...” Sara stated.

“It's your parents, isn't it?” I asked, though I already knew the answer.

“It's just that... I want them to remember they have a daughter, not just a house pet who they have to give money to sometimes. It's always 'Josh this' and 'Josh that' with them. 'Josh made the varsity football team as a freshman!' 'Josh caught a pick-six to defeat our school's rival and take our team to the playoffs!' 'Josh is dating the Homecoming Queen!' 'Josh got a scholarship to some random Division III school that's TOTALLY going to lead to him becoming the Great White Hope of the NFL, and South Carolina and Alabama and Michigan and all those other schools that turned him down are going to be sorry!' I just want them to say something like 'Sara is dating the Prince of Altea',” Sara spoke.

“If you want to know the truth, I don't really love Ike either. I'm only dating him to give us an excuse for all those double dates. To spend more time with you,” I admitted. Plus, I was pretty certain that Ike was gay for that Soren guy from his game, but I left that part out.

“I know,” Sara nodded. We talked together for what seemed like just a few more minutes, but was really several hours. When I got out my phone to check the time, I was shocked.

“According to what I learned in history class, the Battle of Gettysburg is supposed to start tomorrow... er, today since it's after midnight,” I stated frantically, “we should really get some sleep.”

I wondered if the influence of time travelers again was going to change anything, like making Ulysses Grant the commander of the Yankee forces here instead of George Meade. I decided not to dwell on it though.

“Good night, Lauren,” Sara said. I kissed her on the forehead.

“Good night, Sara,” I said. We both laid down to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, a chapter where I don't have to make any changes. I will just say while it does use the infamous "orbs" as eyes description when it should just be eyes, I feel that the actual Lauren did it on purpose to capture the essence of a fourteen year old girl. 
> 
> I personally never understood those who complain about seeing it all the time in fic writing yet never actually bother to tell the writer and help them. Like if you want them to know just to say eyes and simple words, just tell them nicely instead of rambling off about your pet peeves.


	33. THE FINAL BATTLE PART 1: THE BATTLE OF GETTYSBURG

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara begins the fight against the yankees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back people and ready to write the final three chapters of this story. Thanks to Lauren for writing the last chapter (I don't know why everyone thinks there was something lesbian about it, you're really reaching to try to make me a lesbian for your sick perverted fantasies). You are so smart Lauren you should be an author someday. Love you girl (as a friend, we're not lesbians)!

CHAP 33: THE FINAL BATTLE PART 1: THE BATTLE OF GETTYSBURG

"MWAHAHA, WE'LL DEFEAT YOU SOUTHERN SCUM AND END YOUR STATE RIGHTS IN THE NAME OF SATAN!!!" Grant said.

"No you won't," General Lee said, but then Grant fired lightning at General Lee, then he pulled out a lightsaber.

“Bet you weren't expecting this!" he said. "Barack Obama taught me to be a Sith Lord the first time he went back in time!"

I knew that General Lee was no match for a Sith right now, so I threw him my lightsaber.

"Catch," I said.

“Okay." So General Lee caught my lightsaber and activated it, then there was a lightsaber duel between the two of them but I had to fight the other yankee soldiers. Lauren, the Smashers, the Confederate soldiers and I were all busy with the battle. I pulled out my dad's shotgun and shot a bunch of yankees and they died, but there were so many of them. There were more coming every second!

“How do they have so many soldiers?!" I said.

Then I realized something. Many of the yankee soldiers were really demons disguised as people! They didn't die from my shotgun so I had to active my final smash. The ones who really were humans died pretty easily from my final smash but the demons took longer. It was a really long battle but it quickly became clear that the South was going to win. I saw General Lee jump up and drive my lightsaber through Ulysses S Grant's heart.

"I surrender!" Grand said as he died. I pulled out a fifty dollar bill from my wallet and saw Ulysses S Grant's face vanish from it and be replaced by General Robert Lee's. The rest of the yankess ran away because they knew they were defeated.

"Looks like we won the war," General Lee said.

“NOT SO FAST!!!" I looked around and I saw Barack Obama, Michael Jackson and with them was Abraham Lincoln!

"You will never stop us," Lincoln said.

“I always wondered how you could be such an evil jerk and a tyrant dictator if you're a Republican," I said.

“Ha! I'm really a liberal, I only pretended to be a Republican so that conservatives would lose in the South!" Lincoln said, "and you can't defeat me Sara!"

“I will defeat you and restore the real timeline!"

“Ha!" Lincoln said. "No you won't."

“Yes she will!" Lauren said.

“I believe in you Sara!" General Lee said.

“You can do it!" Marth said.

“Yeah!" Ike said.

"Kick Lincoln's butt Sara!" Link said.

“You've come too far to fail now!" Cloud said.

“You can save the world!" Snake said.

“It's all up to you!" Samus said.

“We've seen you do so much in such a short time!" Master Chief said.

“Yeah. We know you can win this fight!" Peach said.

The rest of the smashers said good things to encourage me too. I felt much better.

"Oh look at that, you think you can beat me. It's time you knew the truth!" Suddenly Lincoln pulled off his mask and revealed that he was really SATAN THE WHOLE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	34. THE FINAL BATTLE PART 2: SARA VERSUS SATAN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara fights Satan for the final battle of the story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe that this is already the second last chapter! Will Sara beat Satan and save the world or will evil win and all that bad stuff? You're about to find out! Then stay tuned tomorrow for the epic conclusion to this epic story!

CHAP 34: THE FINAL BATTLE PART 2: SARA VERSUS SATAN

Satan pointed his pitchfork at me and tried to stab me to death but I dodged it and punched him in the face, then I tried to punch him again but he knocked my fist aside with his horns.

Meanwhile Lauren was fighting Barack Obama, Marth was fighting Michael Jackson and everyone else was fighting some demons that Satan brought with him so no one was able to help me. I was all alone in my fight with Satan.

Suddenly Satan started glowing like he had smashed a smash ball, then I realized that he could use his final smash without one just like me! His final smash caused him to open a portal to hell in the ground that I almost fell into. Then a bunch of demons came out of it and I had to fight them at the same time as Satan! I knew I had to activate my final smash, so I managed to kill all the demons but Satan himself survived the final smash because he was the most powerful villain ever.

"Sara, catch!" General Lee through my lightsaber back to me. I drew it and started fighting Satan with it. He also threw Grant's lightsaber so I duel-wielded them, one in each hand. Satan tried to stab me with his pitchfork again but I sliced it in half!

"Oh no," Satan said.

“Give up Satan! You know evil will never win!" I said.

“NEVER!! Satan said. He leaped at me but I dodged and used my two lightsabers to chop Satan's head off!

“NO!!!" Barack Obama said. He ran over and tried to revive Satan with CPR but it was fortunately too late. Satan was dead!

“Yay!" I said. Everyone began celebrating the victory in the battle and Barack Obama and Michael Jackson had to run away. Suddenly everything started being in slow motion and everything began to fade to white. Lauren ran over to me.

“We did it!" she said, but then she was gone too. I was all alone in a white room, then God walked up.

“Well done Sara!" God said, "you killed Satan once and for all! Now the world is save and there is no more evil!"

“And is the timeline back to normal?" I said.

“Yes," God said. "Without Satan's leadership, the North was no match for the South, and everyone else is safe."

“What about Lauren?" I said. I was kind of worried that she might be a slave in the new timeline.

“She's safe too and she's not a slave, she'll tell you more when you wake up in the fixed timeline," God said. Suddenly God walked away again and everything started to fade again. My mission was finally over and the evil was defeated. Now it was time ot see the world I had repaired from the damage that Obama caused to it. I closed my eyes and got ready to open them again.


	35. THE GRAND CONCLUSION

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The story comes to an end and everything is good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe that after almost six weeks of writing, I'm finally done with my story! I'd like to thank everyone who said god things both at Fanfiction.net and on Archive of Our Own. It's time for you to get the reward for your reading: the end of the story which is probably the best ending ever. I think this story will go on in history like the Bible, Atlas Shrugged and Twilight as one of the best books even written except this isn't a book, it's on the internet. One day I'll be the president and this story will be in my museum and I'll make everyone in my administration read it so they'll know my values.

CHAP 35: THE GRAND CONCLUSION

I woke up in a fancy bed in a fancy room that looked like a room in an old plantation house. I got out of bed and saw that i was wearing a really pretty fancy dress like what women wore in the past times of the war of Northern Aggression. I looked around and saw that Lauren was in bed with me. She was wearing a fancy dress too and she looked really pretty in it.

"Lauren, wake up! Do you remember everything?" I said.

“Yeah," she said. "Looks like we changed time. Hopefully that doesn't men I'm a slave now."

“God said you weren't and he can't be wrong. Even if he said you were you would be my slave and I'd just free you right away," I said.

“Thanks," Lauren said, "Oh, I remember now! In this timeline, my real dad's master freed him, then he married my mother and he's also still alive now."

“That's cool," I said.

So Lauren and I walked over to the window and looked outside. We saw Barack Obama and Michael Jackson picking cotton in the field of my plantation. Mr. Johnson and Becky were my slaves even though they're white (see is that racist?), Becky wasn't as fat because she had to do hard work all the time but she was still ugly.

"Make sure to whip those four a lot," I told the overseers who were Marth, Cloud and Link! In this timeline, they lived in this universe instead of video games.

Lauren and I went downstairs to the front of my plantation mansion because there was a knock on the door. I opened the door and there was Sarah Palin!

"Hi Sara!" she said.

“Hi Sarah!" I said.

“Is Justin ready to go to Richmond yet?" Sarah Palin said, "we don't want to be late for the inauguration!"

“What do you mean?" I said.

“Don't you remember, I won the election so I'm going to be sworn in as president of the Confederate States of America and your husband is my vice president," Sarah Palin said.

Suddenly Justin Bieber walked done from another part of upstairs.

"Sorry, I just woke up," he said. "I'm ready though."

He walked up to me.

"You look great honey." He kissed me on the cheeck (see, how can I be a lesbian if I have a husband?).

Then suddenly I got back some memories from the real timeline before Obama changed it. Sarah Palin won the 2012 Confederate election and Justin Bieber was her vice president. Also he was my husband.

"Hurry up! We can't be late for the inauguration!" Sarah Palin said. "Todd's already waiting in the car."

So Sarah Palin and Justin Bieber walked out ot the car, I stayed a few seconds with Lauren.

"Good look in Richmond," Lauren said.

“Do you really think I'll leave without you. Come on!' I said. Lauren took my hand and I led her to the car. I got ready for my new life as the wife of the vice president.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that ends transcribing the first story! Now it's time for the real sequel. Needless to say, I knew this story was already messed up but transcribing it made me realize how its really fucked up in general.
> 
> Sara was right about one thing; her story is going down in history as being the My Immortal of Smash Brothers. While it may not have the cliched Goths versus the card-carrying preps, it definitely holds up to it with its satirical version of conservatives.


	36. CHAP 1: SARA'S NEW ADVENTURE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I finally got my password back from Lauren and I got my account again and changed the password to what it was before so Lauren can't do mean lesbian stuff in my account like what she did to my Attack on Titan story. This story is the real sequel to my first story, the other sequel didn't happen. I'm writing this because the new Smash Bros game will be here in October.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Note that this is now the beginning of Super Smash Bros: Mission from God 2: The REAL Sequel! LAUREN YOU ARE DUMB]  
> This is the first chapter of my story. Originally, I was going to have Marth be the one who come in my school but then I didn't finish writing this yesterday and then a new character was put in the game today. I think its a sign from God to make him my boyfriend in this story.
> 
> ALSO LAUREN YOU ARE DUMB!!! AND I SAW A PICTURE OF YOUR NEW GIRLFRIEND ON THE INTERNET AND EVEN THOUGH SHE'S NOT FAT (LIKE I WAS HOPING), SHE DOES HAVE A REALLY BE NOSE SO I THINK SHE MIGHT BE JEWISH!!! I CAN SEE WHY YOUR STILL USING EVIL MAGIC TO PUT LESBIAN THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD AND TRYING TO TURN ME INTO A LESBIAN BECAUSE I'M SO MUCH PRETTIER THAN THE GIRL YOU'RE DATING NOW!!!! BUT IT WON'T WORK, I'M STRAIGHT!!!!

CHAP 1: SARA'S NEW ADVENTURE

I was sitting in my math class and my teacher Mr. Sanderson was being really mean. Like just today in real life, asked me a question about why my handwriting on my homework is different from on my first quiz of the school year (which started this week) and also why I do really well on the homework but not on the quiz. I can't tell him that my parents do my homework for me because Barack Obama made having your parents do your homework illegal. Barack Obama probably made that law so I'd fail high school and have to get a poor person job and live on welfare, but the jokes on him because my parents are so rich that I can live on inheritance forever and will never be a lazy poor person, even if I don't graduate high school (which I will because I'm really smart). Also Mr. Sanderson is black so he probably voted for Obama and wants to take money from my family and other hard-working job creators to put in Obamacare so that poor people will get health care they don't deserve because they didn't earn it.

So anyways, Mr. Sanderson was being mean to me by calling on me to answer a question from the homework that my parents did for me, but then all of the sudden the door to the classroom opened. I thought it might be God like last time but it wasn't. It was a British guy with blond hair who had a magic sword called the Monado. It was Shulk.

"Sara, you need to bloody come with me!" he said, "Lauren learned the secret way into heaven when she was pretending to be your friend and she told Satan and Obama and they conquered heaven and captured God and Jesus!!! It's impossible for God and Jesus to turn gay because they can't sin but if they're captured then Satan rules heaven. You need to come to Nintendo world again to find out how to save them."  
  
"Okay," I said and I got out of my seat.

"SIT YOUR FINE WHITE ASS DOWN SARA OR I'LL BUST A CAP IN YOUR ASS!" said Mr. Sanderson and he pulled out a gun and held it on its side gangster style.

"No you bloody won't you wanker (I learned that is an insult in the language they speak in Britain so Shulk isn't going to call me a wanker)," Shulk said.

"YOUR CRACKER ASS BETTER GUESS AGAIN!" Mr. Sanderson said. He shot a bullet at Shulk but Shulk can see the future and he dodged it.

"AW HELL NO!!!!" Mr. Sanderson shot more bullets at Shulk but Shulk dodged them too. Then we heard sirens and the police came all over the room.

"YO, FUCK THE POLICE DOG!!!" Mr. Sanderson said.

"Mr. Sanderson, you have a warrent for your arrest for rapping white women and for selling drugs," the police chief said.

"YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE HOMIE!!!" Mr. Sanderson said.

Mr. Sanderson got into a gunfight with the police and they shot him dead, then the police left the room and the other students got out books for study hall because we can't have math class if our math teacher is dead.  
  
"Sara, you need to hurry," Shulk said. "God and Jesus still need to be saved!"

"Right," I said, "also how do you know about God and Jesus being captured?"

"Well I'm British and the Queen of Britain is teaming up with Harry Potter to try to make America into a British colony again. Also Harry Potter taught Lauren the magic that she's using to try to turn you into a lesbian, but I'm a good British person who wants to stop the Queen, Harry Potter, Satan, Obama and Lauren," Shulk said. "I'm probably going to run for King of Britain in the next election to make Britain a good place where everyone is Christian and we know that America is better than us. Also you can be my girlfriend so that you can be Queen and also so everyone will know you're not a lesbian."

"Okay," I said. So Shulk and I went back to the Smash Mansion for an adventure. What will happen next? Find out next chapter!!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I always find it heavily ironic Shulk's Christian in this given how Xenoblade Chronicles actually ends.


	37. CHAP 2: NEW PEOPLE AT THE MANSION

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara meets the new characters and the old ones.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so glad that it's Saturday so I don't have to be in school. I told my dad that I was worried about failing and he said it was okay because he donates lots of money to my school and can tell the principal and the school board he won't donate unless my grade is changed to passing grade if I'm failing. He said he did this for my brother a few times when he was in high school and the school always gave him what he asked for. I'm so happy I'm not going to fail.

CHAP 2: NEW PEOPLE AT THE MANSION

Shulk and I went to Nintendo World and were outside the mansion.

"You need to meet all the people here," Shulk said.

"I already met most of them last time," I said.

"Well, I wasn't here yet and so were a bunch of other people, so you need to meet them," Shulk said.

Suddenly Marth walked out of the mansion and there was a girl with him who looked kind of like him. She was really pretty and had long blue hair.

"Hi again Sara," Marth said, "this is my sister Lucina."

"Hi Lucina, I'm Sara," I said. "You're really pretty."

"Thanks. You're pretty too," Lucina said. Also Marth and Lucina's dad wasn't Snake. It was some blue-haired girl who got beat up by Captain Falcon (who I guess is the bad guy of their game). See I've done research on these characters.

I remember last time I was outside the mansion and met a girl and she called me pretty.

"You're not a lesbian, are you?" I said.

"No, I'm a Christian!" Lucina seemed mad that I accused her of being a lesbian.

"That's great. I'm sorry I accused you of being a lesbian," I said.

"It's okay, I know you need to be careful or lesbians will rape you," Lucina said, "but I can't be a lesbian because I have a boyfriend. His name is Robin."

"Oh yeah, that reminds me, I have a girlfriend now and her name is also Robin. The two Robins are twin brother and sister but their parents weren't very creative with names. We call them Guy Robin and Girl Robin so that it isn't confusing," Marth said. "Also sense I have a different girlfriend, we can't date."

"That's okay, Shulk is my boyfriend now," I said.

"Great," Marth said.

I knew Lucina and me would be great friends and we all went into the mansion to meet everyone else.

The new people in the mansion were interesting. I met Lucina's boyfriend Boy Robin and Marth's girlfriend Girl Robin. There was Mega Man who had a canon on his arm like Samus, so maybe he's Samus' little brother (hopefully he isn't gay). There was Rosalina who looked a lot like Peach. There was also Villager and Wii Fit Trainer and there was a boy and girl versions of both of them. There was Pac-Man and Greninja who were Pokemon so they believed in evilusion and not God so I didn't make friends with them. There was the Mii Fighters and there was three of them with different weapons. There was Palutena who is an angel like Pit but she's his boss or something so I guess she's a more important angel. And there was Little Mac who is a boxer. There might of been other people too but the game isn't released yet so I don't know about them if your reading this after the game is out, pretend I said the other people were there. I also noticed all of the other people from before where there. There were some differences like Ike was more muscular now (maybe he was said that Lauren was lying to him all along when they were dating and she was really a lesbian so he worked out a lot because that's how real men deal with sadness. That's the reason he's more muscular in this story).

Suddenly Master Hand flew up.

"Sara you're back!" He didn't seem happy to see me because he's a jerk who listens to the liberal media and believes all the good things I do are wrong.

"Do you still have my paperwork from last time?" I said.

"No! I threw it out because I don't like you," Master Hand said.

"You're mean!" I said.

"It's okay, I knew this would happen because I can see the future so I already filed out your paperwork again for you," Shulk said. "You just need to sign it."

"Yay!" I said. I signed the paperwork and there was nothing Master Hand could do to keep me out of the mansion.

"You can sure a room with Lucina I guess," Master Hand said.

"Great!" I said.

"Come with me," Lucina said. So I went to her room which was also my room now. I knew things would be great and I'd be able to save both God and Jesus.


	38. CHAP 3: SOMETHING IS WRONG

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara fights a battle with Captain Falcon but things don't go according to plan.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I see some liberals are here to say bad things about my story again. You liberals shouldn't do that but I think most people who say my story is bad are being paid by Barack Obama (probably with taxpayer dollars too) to make me look bad. Just remember that even though you're getting a lot of money now, you're still going to go to hell when you die because of this.
> 
> Also tomorrow is Labor Day so I get a three day weekend. That's great but I may have trouble updating this story tomorrow because my mom wants me to leave the house and hang out with one of my friends tomorrow while my dad's at work. Maybe she's planning something for my birthday (which is Wednesday! I'm so excited! I'm going to be fifteen years old).

CHAP 3: SOMETHING IS WRONG

I was sleeping in Lucina and I's bed when suddenly the loudspeaker in the room started to go off with Master Hand's voice.

"Sara, you need to come to the arena to fight Captain Falcon," Master Hand said.

Lucina and I woke up.

"You need to fight Captain Falcon?" Lucina said, "you need to be careful, Captain Falcon is dangerous. He beat up my father and also my brother, the Robins and I like needed to team up lots of times in our games to stop his evil plans."

"It's okay," I said, "I have powers from God that i can use to defeat him."

"That's cool," Lucina said.

So I went to the arena to fight Captain Falcon. It was a one-on-one match on the final destination stage, that's the stage without anything except for the floor to stand on. When the match began, Captain Falcon ran up to me.

"FALCON..." he said. I knew he was going to use his Falcon Punch attack which would really hurt me if I didn't use my powers from God to activate my final smash. So I tried to do that BUT NOTHING HAPPENED!!!

"... PUNCH!!!" Captain Falcon said. I was hit by the attack and flew out of the stage and lost one of my stock. I reappeared on a platform above the stage but it vanished.

"OH NO!" I said. "HOW CAN I WIN THIS FIGHT WITHOUT MY GOD POWERS!!!"

"Don't give up Sara!" Lucina said, "I believe in you!"

"Yeah! I believe in you too!" Shulk said, "defeat that bloody wanker Captain Falcon."

Suddenly a baseball bat appeared on the stage and I grabbed it. I did that thing were you start flowing with the baseball bat and then hit really hard. That caused Captain Falcon to fly off the stage and lost a stock so we were both even. Then I used more items to keep up with him until we both only had one stock left. Suddenly, a smash ball appeared.

"MWA HA HA!!!" Captain Falcon said, "I'm going to use this to beat you!!!"

He started to hit the smash ball to try to get it to break, but then a fan appeared and I threw it to knock Captain Falcon away from the smash ball and broke it myself. I was finally able to use my final smash which I did and it made me turn into an angel like before and I knocked Captain Falcon off the stage again and won the match.

"Yay, you won!" Lucina and Shulk ran up to me when the fight was over.

"Yeah but there's trouble!" I said, "my God powers are gone!!!"

"Oh no! That must be because God is captured by Satan," Lucina said.

"Bloody hell!" Shulk said, "how would you defeat Satan and save God and Jesus without your god powers!?"

"I don't know, I'll have to think of something," I said.

Suddenly though a really big evil guy flew up. It was the evil guy from the end of the video that showed that Shulk would be in Smash Bros. I don't know what his name is or what he looks like, but if you know who he is then he looks exactly like he does in Shulk's game. All I know is that he's really big (because he has a big shadow) and he can fly.

"Oh no! It's the bad guy from my game!" Shulk said, except he said the bad guy's name because he knew it.

"Mwahaha! Queen Elizabeth and Harry Potter sent me to bloody capture Sara so that Lauren can rape her!" the bad guy said.

"You're a bloody wanker!" Shulk said.

"No, you're a bloody wanker!" the bad guy said because they were both British.

Shulk ran at the bad guy and tried to hit him with the Monado but the bad guy knocked the magic sword away, hitting Shulk to knock him away in a different direction. Lucina tried to fight him but he beat her too. I knew if I didn't do something, the bad guy would win, so I ran over and grabbed the Monado from the ground and hit the bad guy a bunch of times with it.

"Stop doing that you wanker!" he said, but soon it was clear I would beat him so he gave up and flew away. Lucina and Shulk got up and I gave Shulk his sword back.

"Oh no, so the bad guy from my game is teaming up with all the other evil people! This is bloody terrible!" Shulk said.

"I know right!?" Lucina said, "we need to think of something."

"Maybe we can think easier if we go get some food. You can bring your boyfriend, your brother and his girlfriend along too," I said.

"Okay," Lucina said.

So Lucina, Shulk, Marth, the Robin twins and I went to Chick-fil-A to talk about what we should do to fight the evil people. Also we donated extra money to the Chick-fil-A so they could stop the gay agenda.

 

 


	39. CHAP 4: METAL FACE ATTACKS AGAIN

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Metal Face tries to capture Sara again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the people who told me the name of the bad guy was Metal Face. I looked for a picture of him and saw that he was a really big evil robot. He might be the scariest villain in this story.
> 
> Also this chapter will probably be short because I'm writing this at my friend Chloe's house. Chloe is a real friend unlike Lauren because Chloe isn't a lesbian. She wants me to finish writing this quickly so that we can use the computer to go on the internet and look at clothes. Chloe likes to pick out pretty clothes and then tells me to imagine her wearing them. I always imagine her being really pretty so then I'll buy them for her with a credit card that my parents gave to me. Then when the clothes come to her house, she'll invite me over to see her wearing them (even if its a pretty dress that I wouldn't get to see her wear very often or some underwear that she'd normally have other clothes over) and all I have to do is see her looking great in new clothes is give her two-hundred dollars. And she tells me I'm pretty whenever I give her money so I know she isn't taking my money to be a lazy like a poor person would. The best part is that she's not a lesbian, she's a real friend who isn't trying to rape me.
> 
> I told my mom to buy me Shulk's game for my birthday before she told me I had to leave the house to go to Chloe's house. She said she would buy it but it might not come until after my birthday. Since the mail is ran by the government, I think this means Barack Obama is trying to ruin my birthday. He's like really mean!!!

CHAP 4: METAL FACE ATTACKS AGAIN

It was the next day and I was still scared because Metal Face might attack to try and capture me so Lauren would rape me. Lucina and I went to the mall closest to the smash mansion but our boyfriends didn't come because shopping for clothes is a girl thing. We went to Victoria's Secret and bought some sexy lingerie. After we were done with that, we went to the Chick-fil-A in the food court and bought some lunch from there.

"Hey, I have an idea," Lucina said, "let's go see a movie!"

"Great!" I said. We saw a really girly woman's movie (I don't know if the movie theaters in Nintendo world would be showing the same movies as the ones in the real world, but I assume there would be at least one woman's movie playing). There were some more manly movies there too but we didn't see them because lesbians like manly things and Lucina and I aren't lesbians. Once the movie was done, we decided it was time to go back to the mansion.

Suddenly, when we were walking back to the mansion METAL FACE SHOWED UP!!!

"Oh no!" I said.

"This is really bad!" Lucina said.

"Mwa! Ha! Ha! I'm back you bloody wankers!" Metal Face said. I pulled out a gun I had because I obey the second amendment of the Constitution which said you have the right to bear arms (even though Obama wants to make guns illegal because he's a liberal). I shot a bunch of bullets at Metal Face but he's a robot so bullets can't hurt him. Lucina tried to hit him with her sword but it didn't hurt him either!

"You bloody wankers can't beat me! Now I'm going to capture Sara and take her back to Britain where Lauren is waiting to bloody rape her!" Metal Face said. I tried to get away but he grabbed me and started flying away, carrying me. I was captured!

"NO! LET ME GO!!!" I said.

"No you wanker, I'm taking you to the bloody royal palace of Britain where Lauren is waiting to rape you!" Metal Face said.

"Don't worry!" I heard Lucina yell after me, "I'm going to tell Shulk and the others what happened and we're going to rescue you!"

So Metal Face flew me to Britain and Lauren was waiting outside the royal palace. Her new girlfriend Katie was there too and I already knew that because I could see her ginormous nose even when I was a hundred miles away from the palace. When we got there, Metal Face put me on the ground.

"Good work Metal Face," Lauren said, "now Katie and I are going to rape you Sara!"

"No!" I said. I managed to run away and escape however there was still trouble because I WAS TRAPPED IN BRITAIN!!!


	40. LUCINA GOES BACK TO THE MANSION

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sara is trapped in Britain. How will she survive?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I saw a lot of people saying I don't know about Britain so during school, I paid a nerd to give me three seasons of a documentary about what life in Britain is like, and there's a a fourth season too, but you can't be it yet. You have to watch it online but the documentary is on HBO and my parents won't let me watch it because there's naked people in it. So I called Chloe and she said she'd let me have her family's password for the online HBO for my birthday if I give her some money. So that proves she's a real friend. The documentary is called Game of Thrones in case you've seen it and when I'm done watching it, I'll know a lot about what life in Britain

CHAP 5: LUCINA GOES BACK TO THE MANSION

Right after Sara got captured, Lucina knew what she had to do. She ran as fast as she could to go back to the mansion. She knew she had to find Shulk and tell him that Metal Face captured Sara. She found Shulk in the living room with Marth, Ike, Link, Guy Robin and a bunch of other guys. He was watching football and not soccer which they call football in Britain but real American football was illegal to watch in Britain.

"This is so much bloody better than what we watch in Britain!" Shulk said.

"Shulk!" Lucina said.

"Lucina, why are you here? Girls shouldn't watch football except for ugly lesbians," Marth said. This was something my brother Josh used to tell me a lot whenever I came in the room when he was watching football. He left for college a year ago after he graduated from high school but then he failed his first semester in college because of liberal bias in high education. My mom convinced my dad to buy Josh a house on the other side of the state so he lives there now instead of with us.

"I know, but I need to tell Shulk something important," Lucina said. "Sara was captured by Metal Face!"

"Oh no, that's bloody terrible!" Shulk said, "After the game, we need to make a plan to save her."

"Okay," Lucina said. Once the football game was over, Shulk was ready to help Lucina come up with a plan along with the other Christians.

"Okay, so Britain is really far away from Nintendo World so we need to find some way to get there," Shulk said, "and it's surrounded by the Atlantic ocean so we can't take a car."

"I have an idea!" Mario said. "I have go-karts that can fly and stuff from the Mario Kart games. We can get in those and drive them to Britain."

"But they're not fast enough to get there before Metal Face gives Sara to Lauren and Lauren rapes her!" Shulk said. Shulk didn't know that I managed to escape.

"Good point," Mario said.

"If only Snake was really my dad, then we could of rode in the helicopter from his final smash," Marth said. I don't know if Marth and Lucina's real dad from the Fire Emblem games had a helicopter or not. I don't think he does.

"I know!" Girl Robin had an idea. "Captain Falcon has a car that goes really, really fast!"

"Yeah, but he's evil! He'll never let us you it," Shulk said.

"We can steal it," Guy Robin said.

"But wouldn't he know we're doing that?" Palutena said.

"That's a problem," Sonic said.

"But I know what we can do," Lucina said. "We can talk to Master Hand and get him to schedule a bunch of matches with Captain Falcon so he's too busy to notice his car is gone."

"But what if Master Hand doesn't do this?" Link said. "He might not want to help us because he hates Sara."

"We don't have to tell him why we want to fight Captain Falcon," Shulk said.

"Okay, this is a great plan!" Marth said. "Shulk and my sister can steal Captain Falcon's care and to Britain and save Sara. Meanwhile, the rest of us will fight Captain Falcon tons of times."

So all of the Christians went to Master Hand's office and told him that all of them except Lucina and Shulk wanted to fight Captain Falcon tons of times.

"This seems suspicious," Master Hand said. "How do I know none of you Christians aren't planning something intolerant?"

"Because we aren't," Shulk said.

"Okay. Just fill out the paperwork to challenge Captain Falcon to a fight," Master Hand said.

So all of the Christian smashers except for Lucina and Shulk started filling out paperwork while Lucina and Shulk planned on stealing Captain Falcon's car.


End file.
